If my dad was here, he would demand that you laugh.
You wouldn't have an option.
He'd be like, start laughing.
He used to demand that we'd be in a good mood.
He'd be like, go out there and be in a good mood.
My dad, it's a funeral.
I don't give a...
Go over there and stand next to the casket.
My dad doesn't understand technology.
I've lived alone for ten years.
I've had the same outgoing answering machine message,
which is, hi, this is Jim, please leave a message.
To this day, if I'm not home,
my dad will leave the same message on my answering machine.
He'll be like, hello.
Hello.
Tell Jim his dad called.
Who's he talking to?
Yeah, dad, my answering machine told me he called.
I would have called earlier, but the toaster told me I was hungry.
It's insane.
He's retired.
Ever since my dad retired, he gets on crazes.
Like his latest craze.
His latest craze is butter.
I'm not making this up.
I was talking to him.
He's like, Jim, I've just had the best butter of my life.
I'm like, dad, you need something to do.
Because butter's not that important.
Then he proceeded to inform me that the butter was made by the Amish.
Of course, he meant the Amish.
He's always had his own language.
One time he asked me, he goes, Jim, have you ever been to Cancun?
Yeah, dad, what travel agent?
He's mellowed out a little bit.
He used to be so intense.
When I was getting ready for college, he sat me down.
He goes, Jim, I'm not sending you to college.
You get drunk and flunk out.
Well, then I'm not going.
You're going to have to send a neighbor.
What is this, Russia?
That's silly.
He will treat you to things, my dad, but not necessarily things you want.
He'll be like, tomorrow we're getting up at 5 a.m.
Sitting in a boat for 12 hours until your head turned to bright feet.
You're ready.
Happy birthday.
He always wants to suggest things for my act.
So every now and then he'll call me over and be like,
Jim, here's a really cute story for your act.
I was shoveling two weeks ago when the gloves I had fell apart.
So I call up those bastards at Sears.
Just then call waiting breaks in.
It's your brother.
His wife's just given birth to a beautiful,
beautiful baby girl.
Jim, why don't you use that in your act?
Yeah, Dad, I think my answering machine wants to talk to you.
He wants to come to New York.
My dad's never been to New York.
I could just see him dealing with some Egyptian cab driver.
Okay, mo' hamhead.
I don't speak hieroglyphics.
Let's go to the Empire State Building, you *.
It's crazy.
It sounds like he comes from a crazy family.
Yeah.