That's it. We've got to stick together.
Good things happen, though.
We've got to look at the bright side. That's it.
I think a bunch of states legalized
recreational and medical marijuana,
which is huge, right? Yeah.
Progress. Slowly but surely, you know?
I'm a card-carrying
medical marijuana patient.
I'm very proud of that.
It's easy.
Two-step process.
Number one, find a weird doctor
and lie to them.
That's the next step.
That's how it happens.
I looked at the list of things
that you can get it for, and I was like,
I don't have any of those, but
one of them was PTSD, and I'm like,
all right, let's think.
And when I was
25, I had a pulmonary embolism
that's a blood clot in your lung,
and I got really bad anxiety from it,
and they put me on Xanax,
and I'm like, there we go.
I'll go to the doctor, and I'll say I'm nervous
about the long-term side effects of
pharmaceutical drugs,
that's my story.
And I practiced in the mirror.
I learned on YouTube
how to make yourself cry
at any moment.
You just bite the inside of your mouth, and you cry.
So I was all ready.
I went to the doctor, and this * wingnut
that I went to see,
she had a strip of deodorant
on the outside of her dress.
You know when you put your t-shirt on after deodorant
and you get it on your t-shirt?
She had that down her * dress.
Her wig was on.
Non-crooked.
And she had lipstick around her lips
and on her teeth.
And I'm like, you're the doctor
that's gonna decide whether or not
I can smoke pot?
She's like, sit down, what's the problem?
And I'm like, * my story.
I'm just like, oh, I'm scared of thunder.
And she's like, alright.
Deal. You got it.
White widow.
That'll cure that.
Ha ha ha.
Has anybody in here visited a dispensary yet?
Yeah?
Where did you go?
Oh, there's one in Burlington?
Alright, that's tomorrow, huh?
I'm gonna go to breakfast.
This guy's like, where is it?
Maybe that's where I hid the jar, brother.
Awesome, the waterfront.
Is it really, it's high tech?
I went to a couple in Colorado.
It's like an Apple store.
They got geniuses.
You gotta go *...
There's iPads with descriptions.
I thought mine was gonna be like that.
I was kind of hoping for like
a Wonka's Chocolate Factory experience
at my dispensary.
Smoke myself out of a room,
swim a chocolate river to freedom.
Snag an Oompa Loompa on the way out.
No such case.
Turns out it's a * Quiznos
that went out of business
a month ago.
Kid that used to separate cold cuts
is now a scientist lying to me.
I walk in, there's giant jars of beautiful pot
everywhere on display.
I pointed to one and I'm like,
what's up with that strain?
And the kid looks at me and he goes,
bro, that'll totally get you where you need to be
as long as you're ready to get to that place.
He's like, what the *?
Is this a riddle?
Are you serious?
He had his twisty Pringles mustache
and his...
his top button button.
I think they're ticketing your unicycle, Tobias.
You might want to...
That's crazy.
Has anybody been to any of the West Coast ones?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Do you remember your favorite strain,
the name of the bud?
L.A. Confidential.
L.A. Confidential.
Nice.
Doesn't that sound sexy weed, right?
It's got crazy names.
It's Grizzly Bear and Girl Scout Cookies
and L.A. Confidential.
Pineapple Skunk.
* crazy.
Just adjective noun.
That's just how they nail it.
And after diagnosing me,
this kid, all I wanted to do
was just go in and buy my pot and leave.
And this kid's like,
what are you looking for out of your high today, man?
You want to mellow out?
Do you have yard work?
Like, what's your day?
And I'm like,
yard work?
Weed?
Really?
Can I just pass out during Goonies in 40 minutes?
Is that still...
Still an option?
* crazy.
He decided after diagnosing me
that I needed a strain called Sour Punch.
That was the name of the bud
that he thought was going to cure what ails me.
Which sounds delicious, right?
Like movie theater candy
or an eighth grade birthday party.
It didn't taste like either.
It tasted like a seven hour panic attack
is what it tasted like.
Holy *.
I think dry mouth and fear
would be how I would yelp that weed.
Whew.
Two hits off a vape pen
and my air conditioner
was explaining the Illuminati to me.
I was like,
tell me about the Denver airport.
I'm 37 years old.
I had my mom on the phone with me
the entire time.
I was high.
I was like,
what's a healthy pulse
for an adult male my age?
I think I'm running a little high.
I went back to the store the next day.
I was like,
you gotta warn people, Holmes.
Like this *'s *...
You should have rented me a helmet
or a spotter or something.
I could have got hurt.
I don't know.