The market smells like cinnamon and pine again
Same crooked stalls,
same strings of lights that never quite stay straight
Steam rises from the glue iron like ghosts of conversations
I walk slow and steep in pockets,
pretending I'm just browsing
But every laugh that floats over the crowd
Makes my heart trip like it's still allowed
To hope one of them belongs to you
I tell myself I'm only here for the light
But I've been circling the same three aisles for two hours tonight
I'm looking for you in every red coat Every
dark haired girl with snow on her lashes
Every voice that almost says my name I buy nothing,
touch nothing,
just keep moving
through Like if I stay hard enough, one of these
strangers would turn into you I know you're not here,
haven't been for years
But my eyes still hunt for your face
in the glow of reindeer shaped lights
And treat them all to wine and tears
There's a kid tugging his mom toward the carousel The
way you used to tug me toward anything that sparkled
I almost smiled and remember I'm not allowed to
anymore A couple argue softly by the wooden ornaments
He reaches for her hand,
she lets him I look away so fast I walk into a lantern pole
The vendor asks if I'm okay I lie and say yes,
I've been lying since the December you left
I pass the same pretzel stand four times A girl
working in stars to recognize the ache in my eyes
Still looking for you in every red coat
Every scarf that might be the one I gave you
Every silhouette that breaks my heart in half I'm a
ghost doing laps around memories nobody else can see
Buying nothing but punishment in three quarter time
While still in ninth place like it's mocking me I know
you're warm somewhere else tonight But I keep searching
the crowd like love is a lost earring I could still find
I stop in front of the big tree at the end The one we kissed
under when everything still made sense A little boy asks
his dad why that man looks so sad I pretend I didn't hear
I pretend I'm not crying into my own breath
I pretend I don't still check every face
For the only one that ever felt like Christmas One last look,
then I'll leave,
I swear
I'm the last look at every red coat
They're starting to pack up the last
The snow's turning to slush under
lonely boots I still don't buy anything
Because the only thing I ever wanted here
Walked away holding someone else's hand
Years ago and I'm still standing in the same spot
Looking
for you
in every red coat That isn't yours
The market closes,
the lights go dark One string at a time
I walk home empty handed Carrying you anyway