You guys, are you ever just tired of being alive?
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm not suicidal.
I just feel like I've done a lot and I've seen a lot.
And now I'm like, you know, like, let's wrap this * up.
Like, right?
Like, how many * days are there?
I want to skip a grade.
Remember elementary school?
You get to like the first day of whatever third grade and you're like, where's Brian?
And they're like, he skipped.
Excuse me?
How?
And they're like, he can add like a motherfucker.
I don't know.
He's just four, eight, 12.
He gets it.
And then you go, I want to skip.
And they're like, don't even think about that.
Think about other *.
I'd love to skip in real life.
That would be the best program.
Like, if they were like, all right, if you kill it this year, you have the best year.
At the end of the year, a magical fairy or government official will come to your house.
And they go, you crushed it this year.
And you're like, I know.
And then they're like, now you can skip as many years as you want.
I'd be like, what the *?
Really?
How many do you want to skip?
30?
Just land at retirement?
I don't want to live.
I don't want to live much longer than that anyways.
70, maybe 71, you know?
70 so I can be officially old and experience old guy stuff like people talking to me like I'm a pet.
And you ever see that when they're like, hey, how you doing?
You're so good.
Would you like me to get you anything?
I'm like, yeah, put some water in my bowl.
What the * is this *?
But I don't want to live much longer than that.
I mean, I hear people in conversations.
I hear people in conversation go like, I want to live to be 100.
Really?
Have you seen 80?
I mean, my dad has a friend that's 87.
He looks like a goblin, okay?
He is terrifying to look at.
And he knows it.
He's like, I'm coming around the corner.
Don't look at me.
He knows it.
It's scary.
Here's how much it sucks to be that old.
When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medications.
And I go, why'd you do that?
He goes, I don't want to be here.
And if you see him now, you're like, how you doing?
He'll go, unfortunately, alive.
But he won't take me.
The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff is that I will be the best old guy.
I already know it.
Like, I have their personality.
I'm antisocial as *.
I don't want to do anything.
Like, whenever anybody...
Anybody says to me, like, hey, man, do you want to go check out the...
I go, no, to the rest of your sentence.
Whatever it is, I don't want to do it.
I don't want to meet new people.
Not one more as long as I live for the rest of my life.
That's the same as old people.
You can try it if you want.
Hey, grandpa, I want you to meet Steve.
And he'll go, * Steve.
I know everybody I need to know.
I'm going to watch my shows.
You know what I really want?
I want to be the best old guy.





I don't want to be that old.
I don't know if it's an age.
It's just a way of being old.
There's a certain level of old where you get yelled at for trying to be helpful.
That looks awesome.
You know what I mean?
It's like when an old guy's like, I'm going to take out the trash.
And someone's like, are you out of your * mind?
Your spinal snaps.
Sit down!
Okay.
I tried.
I'm sorry.
That looks amazing.
That looks amazing.
I really want that old guy confidence that I see in the locker room.
Yeah, that's another thing.
Dude.
Another thing I've noticed since joining the gym, there's two types of guys.
Guys that are 65 and older, and then guys that cover their dicks.
Because old guys do not.
It's crazy.

The first few days, I thought it was peacocking, like showing off, you know?
Because I saw...
I saw some * hammers, like where you walk in and you're like, whoa, yeah.
I wouldn't wear pants either.
Nice work, pal.
But then, like the third day, I saw a guy, and he had just like the cutest little thing.
And he was just like, all on the...
He was like, oil prices are crazy right now.
I'm like, dude, you have a little grain of rice.
You don't give a *?
He didn't.
He didn't care.
I want that confidence.
I don't even know how it's attainable.
Like, if I know anyone's going to see it, dude, I'm going to, you know...
Give it a smack.
And then you go, huh, there's an inch.
Let's not act like I'm the only self-fluffer in the room, okay?
Dude.
Ladies, if you've ever received a dick pic before, here's some secret intel.
That's not the first shot.
Pretty much goes like this.
Click.
* that.
And then...
Oh, yeah, that's me.
That's all me right there.
That's me.
God, I'm sweating my * balls off.
Like a preacher.
Amen.
All right, so...
Ha!