People are always very surprised
at how offstage with my husband,
I'm a completely different person.
Like, you would not recognize my personality at all with him.
With him, I'm very soft
and, like, very nurturing and very domestic.
We've been together now for five years,
and for five years,
I've packed his lunch every single day.
Yeah. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
I did that so that he'd become dependent on me.
Because he graduated from Harvard Business School,
and I don't want to work anymore.
I don't. I straight-up don't want to work anymore.
I don't feed him out of the goodness of my heart.
I do it as an investment in my financial future.
Because I don't want to work anymore.
I've been reading that book by Sheryl Sandberg.
She's the COO of Facebook,
and she wrote that book
that got women all riled up about our careers,
talking about how we as women
should challenge ourselves
to sit at the table and rise to the top.
And her book is called Lean In.
Well, I don't want to lean in, okay?
I want to...
I want to lie down.
I want to lie the * down!
I think feminism is the worst thing
that ever happened to women.
Our job used to be no job.
We had it so good.
We could have done the smart thing,
which would have been to continue
playing dumb.
For the next century.
And be like, we're dumb women!
We don't know how to do anything!
So, I guess we better just stay at home all day
and eat snacks and watch Ellen.
Because we're too stupid to have any real responsibility.
And then all these women had to show off
and be like, we could do it!
We could do anything!
Bitch, shut up!
Don't tell them the secret!
They ruined it for us!
And now, we're expected to work!
When I hear the phrase, double income household,
I want to throw up.
A lot of women get very upset with me
about those comments.
And they're like, but Ally,
we have so many more options now.
Oh, you don't think we had a lot of options
when our day was full?
It's free.
Unscheduled, unsupervised,
and most importantly, sponsored.
You know how much * your food tastes
when you know you had to earn it?