Now, as well as being a famous rod walloper, I am a famous skanker.
Shall we do a bit of live skanking on stage again?
Not wanking, skanking. Here we go.
If she was still here, this would be for Kate.
MUSIC CONTINUES
And when the midwife heaved him out, the first thing she could seize on,
it wasn't his arm, it wasn't his leg, and I guess that that's the reason why
he's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled.
It's a yard and a half, a fix an inch, and it's more when it's unfurled.
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
John Thomas Alcock.
At school, the kids all gathered round and said,
please tell us, what is that behind you trailing on the ground?
He said, it was a python, and it had got the mumps.
He stuffed it in his ear and said, I am a petrol pump.
He said, I am a petrol pump.
He stuffed it down his wellies, and the teacher said,
now, John, you'll have to stay behind when all the other kids have gone.
And that's what's known as further education.
But you don't get a certificate for it.
Because he was the one and only...
MUSIC CONTINUES
..the man...
..the man...
Talking about the man.
The man with the biggest plonker in the world.
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled.
It's a yard and a half, a fix an inch, and it's more when it's unfurled.
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
John Thomas Alcock.
He grew up and he went to sea,
modelling for maths,
and for chimneys for the Admiralty.
And then he got married and he had five kids,
and it comes as no surprise,
he's got a lovely wife with a rather strange expression in her eyes.
She just stands there and goes...
And it's hardly surprising...
..because...
..she's married to...
..the one and only...
..the man...
MUSIC CONTINUES
..the one and only man!

MUSIC ENDING
A very extraordinary man.
MUSIC QUITS
The man with the biggest plonker in the world!
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled.
It's a yard and a half, a fix an inch, and it's more when it's unfurled.
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
Jean Thomas Alcock.
He died.
oh yes he did and because of rigor mortis they couldn't shut the coffin lid and now he's up in
heaven and his kids are very proud to see their daddy's dongler dangling through the clouds
and when it's dark and midnight you can hear the ladies sigh and whistle when the ghost of old
john tom goes slithering by dragging his enormous equipment behind him because they know that he
is the man with the biggest plonker in the world
he keeps it in his trousers
it's a yard and a half
it's an inch and it's more when it's unfurled
he's the man with the biggest plonker
what an enormous stonker
he's the man with the biggest plonker in the world
give it to me one time
give it to me two times
give it to me three times
feel this Phil give me a great big finish
Ivers Jivers ladies and gentlemen Ivers Jivers the wonder band