John Thomas Alcock, he lives northeast of Whitstable. He's got that certain something that the girls find irresistible.
He's a fine upstanding fella, and they say, for what it's worth, his mother was frightened by a donkey six months before his birth.
And when the midwife heaved him out, the first thing she could seize on, it wasn't his arm, it wasn't his leg, and I guess that that's the reason why he's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
He keeps it in his trousers, tightly curled. It's a yard and a half, if it's an inch, and it's more when it's unfurled. Oh, oh, he's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
As you can see.
Can you imagine? It was an enormous drawback. Well, part of it was anyway.
John Thomas Alcock, at school the kids all gathered round and said,
Please tell us what is that behind you dragging on the ground?
He said it was a python, and it had got the mumps. He stuffed it in his ear and said, I am a petrol pump.
He stuffed it down his wellies and the teacher said,
Now John, you'll have to stay behind.
Well, the other kids have gone.
A really boring thing about school mistresses is they make you do it again and again until you get it right, and they make you put your hand up.
John Thomas Alcock, he grew up virile, tall and strong, and he became a chimney sweep with a brush attached to his remarkable gong.
Then he went to China, where dragons can be found, and everybody said,
Here Luke, there's a chap with one dragon on the ground.
Get it?
One dragon on the ground, oh, please yourself then.
And then he got married and he had five kids, and it comes as no surprise,
he's a lovely wife with a rather strange expression in her eyes.
And it's not surprising, really, because she's married to...
The man with the biggest plonker in the world.
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled.
It's a yard and a half, it fits an inch, and it's more when it's unfurled.
Oh, oh, he's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
He was a champion pole vaulter, with or without the pole.
Was he heavily penalised?
Oh, indubitably.
John Thomas Alcock, he died.
Oh, yes, he did.
And because of rigor mortis, they couldn't shut the coffin lid.
And now he's up in heaven, and his kids are very proud
to see their daddy's dongler dangling through the clouds.
And when it's dark and midnight, you can hear the ladies sigh,
and whistle, when the ghost of old John Tom goes shuffling by.
Because he's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled.
It's a yard and a half, it fits an inch, and it's more when it's unfurled.
Oh, oh, he's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
He's the man with the biggest plonker.
What an enormous stonker!
He's the man with the biggest plonker.
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
Monsters, I call it.
You shouldn't have had a thing like that without a license.
I've said to my wife, I think he should be bloody well hung.
And you know what she said?
He is, my dear, he is.
He is, my dear.