I'm aware my wife is out of my league.
She's very thin and attractive.
I look like I had two wives and I ate one of them.
She's amazing.
She's my writing partner.
We do everything together.
She's brilliant.
She's creative.
I can't read her handwriting.
No, we're totally equals.
I mean, when we rent a car, I won't let her drive.
And that's not sexism.
I just don't want to die.
She can drive my kids around.
I don't care about that.
But if I'm in the car, uh-uh.
She's amazing.
Probably the most impressive thing my wife can do
is her ability to remember absolutely every horrible thing I've ever done.
And she'll just bring it up.
We'll be watching television.
She'll be like, remember that time you humiliated me when we went out to dinner?
Now I do.
I must have blocked it out searching for self-esteem.
I don't want to misrepresent her.
She's very forgiving.
It's just the forgetting part.
But we all aspire to be forgiving.
Pope John Paul II forgave the guy who tried to assassinate him.
I mean, granted, he was the pope.
He couldn't be like, let's torture this *.
He kind of had to forgive him.
But Pope John Paul II went to the guy's jail cell and forgave him.
But then he left.
It's not like then he lived with the guy.
Like, if the pope lived with the guy, we would have seen how long that forgiveness would have lasted.
Pope, your turn to do the dishes.
Didn't you shoot me?
Didn't you shoot me?
I think it's always your turn to do the dishes.
Bless you, my son.
Pope, that's a tough job.
Anyone pope here?
No?
Pope's a tough job.
You know it's tough because the last one quit.
He's like, I'm done.
I'm out of here.
Remember when the Vatican was like, you're supposed to speak for God until you die.
And the pope was like, God told me to quit.
And eat more cheese.
Our new pope, Pope Francis, calls people on the phone.
I don't know why you'd ever believe it's the pope.
Hello?
It's the pope.
Oh, can you hold on?
I have Spider-Man on the other line.
My wife loves talking on the phone.
And I would rather be hit by a car.
I'm not saying a big car, but a Mini Cooper.
I'd take that over a 20-minute conversation.
She's always like, it seems like a car.
I think you're trying to get off the phone.
I am.
I love you.
I just can't hold my arm up for this long.
I can't believe any of us talk on the phone.
There's email and text.
Sometimes my phone rings and I look at it and I think,
this person better be calling to tell me their hands are chopped off.
I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy.
Buy my album.
Buy my album.
That is awesome.
That is all for me.
Thank you so much.