And if one day I should become a singer with a Spanish bum Who sings for women of great virtue
I'd sing to them with a guitar I borrowed from a coffee bar Well, what you don't know doesn't hurt you
My name would be Antonio and all my britches I would burn And when I gave them some they'd know I'd expect something in return
I'd have to get drunk every night and talk about virility With some old grandmama who might be decked out like a Christmas tree
And though pink elephants I'd see, though I'd be drunk as I could be Still I would sing my song to me about the time they called me shaggy
If I could be for only an hour If I could be for an hour every day If I could be for just one little hour A cute cute in a stupid ass way
And if I joined the social world Became procurer of young girls Then I would have my own bordellos
My record would be number one And I'd sell records by the ton All sung by many other fellows
My name would then be Hassan Jack And I'd sell bolts of opium Whiskey that came from Twiggin' Um Authentic queers and fowly pledgers
If I had fangs on every finger Finger in every country And all the countries ruled by me I'd still know where I'd wanna be
Locked up inside my opium den Surrounded by some Chinamen I'd sing the song that I sang Then about the time they called me shaggy
If I could be for only an hour If I could be for an hour every day If I could be for just one little hour A cute cute in a stupid ass way
Now tell me wouldn't it be nice That if one day in paradise I'd sing for all the ladies up there And they would sing along with me
We'd be so happy there to be Cause down below is really nowhere And if my name were Juniper Then I would know where I was going
And then I would become all knowing My beard so very long and flowing
If I became deaf, dumb and blind Because I pitied all mankind And broke my heart to make things right I'd know that every single night
When my angelic work was through The angels and the devil too Would sing my childhood song to me About the time they called me shaggy
If I could be for only an hour If I could be for an hour every day If I could be for just one little hour A cute cute in a stupid ass way