You know what's great about our leaders in Washington?
Me either.
It's all talk and no action.
It's not greenhouse gases I'm worried about.
It's those White House gas bags
because all their hot air
is only making the globe even warmer.
So now we got a big problem
and a whole bunch of complainers,
but only one thinker.
Moi.
I'm a problem thinker.
I've got a problem thinking right now.
It's called Operation Chill Off,
which is what everyone needs to do,
just chill off.
That's what my mom, Pat, always says to me
because sometimes it gets too hot in the basement
for me to sleep, but...
I didn't come here tonight to talk about Pat
because she's not the boss of me right now.
I came here to share great ideas
on how to lower temperatures around the world.
Here's one.
Convert to the metric system.
When we convert to the metric system,
temperatures will drop 50 degrees overnight.
Fact.
That's a scientific fact.
Convert, drop, 50 degrees.
Instant global colding.
Oh, they got the metric system in Scandinavia.
It's not hot there.
Is that magic?
No, it's metric, and I know the difference.
I love magic.
Ever since I was a little kid
and my dad disappeared.
Abracadab gone, just like that.
But I didn't come here tonight to talk about Rick, all right?
And I know what you're thinking, sir.
You're thinking,
I don't want to convert to the metric system
because then we'll have a bunch of metricans
come into our land.
Well, then you're a measurist
and you need to chill off
because once you go metric,
you won't go back.
Am I right, ladies?
What are you going to do to stop them?
Build a wall?
A wall 1,100 kilometers wide
and like nine gallons tall?
Well, who do you think's going to measure that wall?
You are with your yardstick?
No way, Josef.
A metrican is.
Well, you're totally digressing the subject,
Mr. Interrupter.
The problem
isn't metricans.
It's global warming.
And we,
we need to save the planet
so we can have a place to live.
Hola.
And I have a great idea for that, all right?
If you,
if you see someone who doesn't recycle
or they keep the water on
while they're brushing their teeth
or they leave all the lights on their house
when they leave,
if you see someone who does that,
just don't mate with them.
And that's what we're talking about.

That way we can breed those traits
out of the gene pool.
Don't mate,
don't date,
don't fornicate,
don't propagate,
don't copulate,
don't even cop a feel, all right?
Because those,
those jack butts
are killing the planet
mostly with,
with plastic.
Yeah.
Did you know,
40% of all plastic
is used only once
and then it's gone.
Waste.
Yeah.
That's,
it's like a liberal arts degree
or something.
That's like...