My three-year-old didn't get me a birthday present this year.
Yeah, and I've known him for a couple years.
So I'm not talking to him.
Presents are interesting.
I don't really need or want anything.
I mean, my life is pretty chaotic.
I have five kids, you know, and I have friends that love stuff.
I have a friend who has a drawer of watches.
I have another friend who has five cars.
Whenever I'm with these people, I realize I'm just simple.
All I need is a nice bed and a private jet.
You know?
Now, I have the bed.
All I need is the jet.
And it could be a used jet.
I'm not a snob, you know.
I mean, I don't want a prop plane.
I'm not trash.
Just a regular old private jet to take a regular old guy
to a regular old private island away from his kids.
You know?
I'm just salt of the earth.
I'm an everyone.
That's ridiculous.
This year has flown by.
I don't want to brag,
but I've kept my name on the board.
I've kept my New Year's resolution.
I've done it.
I've had pasta every day this year.
Thank you.
I tell ya,
it wasn't easy.
It wasn't easy.
There were some nights when I was like,
oh my gosh, it's 1130.
I haven't eaten pasta.
I have to wake my wife up and have her make me some.
Yeah.
But I do it because it's about personal accountability.
By the way, if you believe I would wake my wife up,
you're drunk.
All right?
Because I'm afraid of her.
All right?
But I like being married to a strong woman.
I do it.
And I'm sure there are other men in the audience
looking at their wives like,
honey, do you want me to clap?
Or, you know,
do you like what he's saying?
Because I'm on your side.
I just don't want to talk about it later on.
I do like being married to a strong, decisive woman.
But you know what?
I'm in charge of the remote control.
That's where I draw the line.
All right?
I'm in charge of the remote because I'm the man.
All right?
I mean, she picks all the shows we watch,
but I get to hold the remote.
Because that's the kind of puppet dictator that I am.
Being in charge of the remote control
is a no-win situation anyway.
The person you're watching with is never satisfied.
They're like, turn it up.
I can't hear it.
Then you turn it up and the commercial comes on.
Turn it down.
What's wrong with your hearing?
I'm always in trouble when we watch television.
Stop crinkling that back.
Once I got in trouble for sneezing.
Why would you do that?
I think it's involuntary.
Well, now I didn't hear what that guy said.
All right, I'll rewind it.
Oh, now it's starting the whole episode over.
Here, you should be in charge of the remote.
I'm going to go back to hiding in the bathroom.
Because I'm a man.
I'm a man.