If I was a dog, I'd wag me tail, I'd sit me down beside the fire, and the girls could pat me on the back, or any place else their heart'd desire.I wouldn't be after chasin' cats, I wouldn't go bayin' at the moon, wouldn't have time for things like that.If I was a dog, what I'd be doin'? Oh-ho, oh-ho, if I was a dog, I'd have me day. Oh-ho, oh-ho, wouldn't I be waggin' me tail?If I was a dog, I'd eat of the best, and only the best that money could buy. I'd go down to the butcher's shop and lick the leg of the butcher's wife.I'd be dinin' on filet mignons, and pelican fingers, and lobster fins, and delicate frogs. If I was a dog, I wouldn't go rootin' in nobody's bins.Oh-ho, oh-ho, if I was a dog, I'd have me day. Oh-ho, oh-ho, wouldn't I be waggin' me tail?I wouldn't be after chasin' sheep, I wouldn't be after huntin' hares. I'd prefer to be home in me sleep or diggin' a hole to God knows where.I wouldn't be after pullin' the sled like huskies up in the Yukon do. I'd prefer to be home in me bed with a Pekingese poodle or Gary Blue.Oh-ho, oh-ho, if I was a dog, I'd have me day. Oh-ho, oh-ho, wouldn't I be waggin' me tail?And woe betide the fool that tried to spay the wife or neuter me. Before I'd let him away with that, but God, I'd show me pedigree.I'd put up a hell of a fight and wouldn't it be a sight to see. One strategic nip, a neuter, a-becomin' a neutery.Oh-ho, oh-ho, if I was a dog, I'd have me day. Oh-ho, oh-ho, wouldn't I be waggin' me tail?And sooner or later I'd father a litter and teach the little ones how to be. And if any of them tried to get smart, but God, I'd chase the lot of them up a tree.So if you're walkin' along the street and an elegant dog you're happy to see, steppin' it out, give us a shout, you could be you and that would be me.Oh-ho, oh-ho, if I was a dog, I'd have me day. Oh-ho, oh-ho, wouldn't I be waggin' me tail?