So I have these, I don't talk to my neighbors.
I try not to, because I am so bad at small talk.
Like my neighbor asked me the other day,
he goes, hot enough for you?
And I go, my mom hates me.
Darn, that's big talk.
That's big talk, went right there.
I have some weird neighbors.
I have a,
on the one side of me lives a power lesbian.
You know, she's got the good job, the BMW,
the trophy life partner.
And then on the other side of me is this guy who,
he and his girlfriend have *** like seven times a day.
That's a lot of ***, right?
That's not just me.
Seven times a day, I can totally hear it.
It is so annoying, you know,
because I only like to masturbate three times a day.
I'm going to show a little restraint there.
Yes, I masturbate.
Doing it right now.
This is what I do all day.
I play video games.
I ride my bike around.
I have the exact same lifestyle as a 14-year-old boy.
Except when I'm riding my bike around,
people think it's because I have a DUI.
Maybe it's a six-pack in my basket.
I take Spanish every morning from 7 till 9,
or at least until the construction's finished on the house next door.
That's a beautiful language.
That's a, give it up.
Come on, applaud that *.
Thank you.
Speaking Spanish is so Hollywood.
I want to be Hollywood.
You know,
I want to have a little tiny cell phone,
the convertible,
the drug addiction.
I just have to get a convertible.
I'm so close.
I don't have a drug addiction.
Sometimes I wish I did have a drug addiction.
It would explain why I have nothing.
That's what I have.
Nothing.
At one point in my life,
this is true,
when I was in college,
I lived in a garage.
It didn't bother me at all.
I guess I romanticized it.
I was like, I got a really big door.
It is weird to date,
though,
when you live in a garage.
I'd be like, no, I had a great time.
Thank you so much.
Okay, bye-bye.
But
now I'm doing so well,
I can give money to homeless people.
That's how well I'm doing.
That's how good I got it.
The other day,
this guy,
this homeless dude,
he asked me for money
to buy crack.
Yeah, I found his honesty refreshing.
I gave him the money.
Then later I saw him
buying a turkey sandwich.
Nice * crack habit, dude.
Lying sack of *.
I give money
to homeless women.
I always give money to women that I see on the street,
because whenever
I see a chick on the street,
I think,
how is it possible that she never learned to suck
cock?
How is that?
Where's her mother?
Seriously, something needs to...
That's what I would
do.
That's what every woman in this room
would do if they were in that situation.
And 75%