We got any Mexicans in the crowd tonight?
Oh.
Oh, there goes all those jokes.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I love Mexicans.
I love Latinos.
Mostly because that language comes out like fire,
you know?
That's why Spanish kids mind their parents so well.
Like, have you ever been to the mall
and hear a Puerto Rican mom or a Mexican mom
yell at their kids?
Mira!
Everything tan just stops.
Eres tu Jose?
No, es mi?
Oh, *.
I was over at the Beverly Center, right?
I get in the elevator.
As soon as I get in the elevator,
I just hear this cacophony of noise.
Like,
just so much fu- And I look in,
and it's a Mexican mom.
And she's got
four kids, because they don't use birth control.
But- No,
I'm just kidding to you,
I swear to God. I'm just kidding,
I'm just kidding.
Whatever, right, we've * seen the odds.
Okay.
It's like you don't watch Dateline.
Okay.
So she's got- Shut the * up, edit that out.
So she's got four kids, and it's loud as *.
She's got two in a stroller,
and she's buckling them in,
you know,
like,
trying to get them into the-
And then one's running around in the stroller,
like, singing some song in Spanish.
I think it was La Bamba, I'm not really sure.
Are there any others?
I
don't know.
And so- And now the fourth- Now this is my boy,
okay,
we connected.
His name was Jose.
And he's by all the buttons,
ringing the alarm.
Like,
he's a first grader with some demons that he's gotta get out,
just-
Ring! Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring!
And
I don't wanna deal with this, you know?
And I don't have kids,
I don't know how to discipline.
Like, how hard to hit them.
Do you hit them in the face or the body?
Because the body,
you can put a shirt over it,
no one sees.
I don't know, right?
But I'm lucky because it's a Mexican mom,
and the rules,
and Latino households,
am I right?
Don't act like an * in public,
*,
making me look like an *.
I walk in, I don't even have to-
I mean, literally, don't even have to say-
Give her the eyes.
You know the eyes of those people without kids?
Give the people with kids that are- You're like-
I don't even have to give those eyes.
She *- The door's closed,
and like a bullwhip.
Jose!
You touch that bell one more time,
and you know what'll happen to you,
huh?
It is silent in there.
The kid that was singing,
he's not singing anymore.
And I don't know if it's because he's waiting to sing Donna,
you know,
the other one's done.
And Jose is like a statue, just like this.
And she turns around, it is dead silent.
I'm like, oh my god.
I'm a white kid,
I've never seen that * happen.
For real,
with us,
it was like Michael,
mommy said no.
No, Michael, no.
No.
What did Dr. Callahan say about calling mommy a bitch?
It's not,
it's a Mexican family,
and this is different.
Different!
I'm shocked!
I thought she was gonna hit me,
I was like,
holy *.
I'm like, he's- oh, oh, oh, oh,
* stupid.
And he looks at her,
his brothers are looking at him,
he's not gonna let me punk him out in front of his brothers,
no way.
He's got that Latin fire in him, right?
He looks back at me and goes,
* you.
Six years old!
I'm like, Adam, are you kidding me?
She's not looking, I lean over, I ring the bell.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.
She whips around, what did I tell you, Jose?
He goes, mommy, it wasn't me.
She goes, you lied to me, cocksucker.
Pulls out a knife, stabbed him in the heart.