I sat in the quiet
After the funeral bell
With your coat still on
Where you left it
I spoke only silent
But silence wasn't your language
So I opened the books you brought from home
The ones with the curly letters I used to laugh at
I traced every stroke like a blind man learning that
I swallowed the grammar of your childhood nights
A thousand demons, a thousand mistakes
Your mother's voice on old kisses
I repeated until my throat bled
Accents just to meet you somewhere
You never waited
Now I read you perfectly
Every word sharp as winter glass Page after page in your careful hand
I don't love him,
I never did I stayed because he was kind
But kindness isn't home
I learned your tongue for nothing
Just to hear you say
You never felt
the same
I found the diary in the drawer With the pressed flowers
The one you hid behind winter sweaters The lock was already broken
Like promises we never made
I thought I'd find secrets
But that I'd been your secret joy Instead
I found the truth you couldn't say out loud
You wrote me gentle like a brother like rain Never like thunder,
never like flame
You described the way I looked at you Like
someone who'd never been chosen before
And you pitied the hunger You couldn't feed it so you smiled
And I mistook mercy for more Now I read you perfectly
The sentence is kind of clean and cold
I wish you'd stop trying to save me
I was already gone long ago
I learned your tongue for nothing Just to watch my whole world drown
In the ink you left behind
I could burn these pages I could curse your name
But the worst part is I still say thank you when I dream
In your language I still reach for your hand in the dark
Even knowing it was never mine
Now I read you perfectly And I wish I'd stayed a little while
Because some truths are kinder When
they stay locked in a stranger's grip
I learned your tongue for nothing Except to lose you twice
Once when you left this world And once when I finally understood
You never loved me the way I love you
The books are closed
The lights are low
I whisper goodnight
In the language
you'll never hear
again
I love you, I love you, I love you
It
means nothing in any tongue