Thank you.
The wedding was super fun.
I had a great time at my own wedding.
A lot of people hate weddings.
Invite me to your weddings.
I love going to weddings.
They're fun.
And the one thing I would do away with, though,
is the father-daughter dance.
Okay, here's what.
Me and my dad, we have a very Irish-Catholic thing going on.
We don't make eye contact.
We've never had a conversation.
I don't * know this guy.
I don't know this man.
I'm supposed to dance with him in front of all my friends?
This is awkward.
Right?
And so I was like,
looking up all the standard father-daughter dance songs,
every single one sounds like we're *.
Like, think about the father-daughter dances you've been to, okay?
It'll be like, my girl.
I'm like, that's not going to work.
The way you look tonight, I'm like...
So we just panicked and danced to Happy Birthday.
It was the black people version.
It was really...
It was jovial.
Happy birthday to you.
We all know it.
Yeah, good times.
Oh, *.
We went on a safari for our honeymoon.
That was fun.
We went to South Africa.
That was great.
It was super fun.
But we got to this resort,
and they match you up with the Jeep driver
that you'll be with for the full week.
And it was like 10 drivers.
Out of 10 people, there was only one female driver.
Just one.
So me and the other ladies,
we're looking around at each other,
and we were just like...
Pretty glad we didn't get her.
Really touched a bullet.
Not because she was a bad driver.
You guys said that.
Why'd you say that?
That's so weird.
I didn't say that.
You said that.
It was because she was a ***y South African woman,
not on my honeymoon, okay?
It cost a lot of money to be here.
I don't * think so.
And I was rooting for her the whole time.
I really was.
I was like, come on, sister.
You can do it.
You can show them.
But then they do this thing,
where they walkie-talkie each other
when they find something cool,
and every time my guy would walkie-talkie her,
she'd be like, I'm stuck in a ditch.
I wish I was joking.
That actually happened.
I didn't make that up.
That really happened.
And I was like, I wonder if the people on her Jeep
asked for a refund.
And I was like, well, they're probably eating.
They're gone.
Thank God for the resort, right?
I really dodged a bullet.
What's next?
Female pilots?
I'm just joking, guys.
I'm kidding.
My brother's a pilot.
I know they're letting anyone up there.
I'm a * idiot.
Yeah.
I do think that women can do anything, obviously.
But I'll be honest.
If I was in a burning building
and they sent up some girl that looks like me,
I would be like, bitch.
We're both gonna die in here, okay?
And would you like to be my nanny?
You're a shoo-in for the job.
You are a shoo-in, okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, we've been doing a lot of traveling, though.
I went to Australia this year.
That was a lot of fun.
Yeah, Australia was cool.
We went there with a group of Americans, though.
And this one guy said the funniest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life, okay?
He goes to me with a straight face.
He goes, isn't it so nice traveling abroad
as Americans with Joe Biden as our president?
Because he never says anything embarrassing.
I said, sir, you and I have different TikToks, okay?
What the hell are you talking about?
Like, I don't care where you are politically.
We can all come together and agree
that all he does is say things that are embarrassing.
This is 100% true.
Look this up.
When he went to Australia,
he met their prime minister, forgot their name.
I know, it's terrible.
And then shat himself.
And that last part, I did make up.
But you guys believed it for a second.
And that's the issue.
Do you understand the problem?
Okay.
Yeah.
We also went to Amsterdam.
That was a lot of fun.
That was cool.
We went there right after Lizzo got canceled, though.
Just know where this is going.
Okay.
Lizzo was the final boss of cancellation.
Can we all agree on this?
She was.
She really was.
But she got canceled for a ton of reasons.
But one of the reasons was that when she was in Amsterdam,
she brought her dancers to a *** club
and then forced them to eat a banana
out of a *** worker's clam.
Do you know about this?
Do we know about this?
Okay.
Okay, this happened.
So I land in Amsterdam and I was like,
first of all, I gotta see the show.
What great publicity for this show.
Gotta see it.
Okay, so I go to this show.
That part of the show happens
where they bring up an audience,
remember, eating a banana out of a clam.
You get it.
And I'm watching this
and I'm just like,
holy *, Lizzo.
First of all,
fun boss.
What an iconic field trip.
I would love to work for her.
Unbelievable.
Secondly, I was like,
these bitches need to lighten up, okay?
Like, who cares?
Eating a banana out of a *** worker's clam
is literally the continental breakfast.
Okay.
That's what it was at my hotel.
If you didn't have that,
you needed a better hotel.
That's what you do in Amsterdam.
Everybody knows this.
You go, you eat a banana out of a *** worker's clam.
Okay.
And then you go see Anne Frank's house.
You need the potassium.
It's a very long tour.
Okay.