Spent a couple weeks there.
I stayed in this really nice bed and breakfast.
The woman that was running it,
every morning she would ask me,
she was like, are you going to go hiking today?
And all I could think was,
wow, this lady knows nothing about me.
Hiking, not today or ever.
I wouldn't hike to escape the Nazis.
Like, if I was in that movie Sound of Music
and they're like, to avoid the Nazis,
head over those mountains,
I would have been, mountains?
Mountains?
Isn't there a basement I could hide in?
I mean, like a Finnish basement, yeah.
More like a keg on an NFL season pass,
you know what I'm talking about?
I've been hiking.
The first thing you notice when you go hiking
is it's a mistake.
Oh, we're not walking anywhere in particular.
There's nothing at the end of this trail.
There's no bar or restaurant.
Not even a vending machine.
We're just idiots.
There's always that moment when you go hiking
when you realize, oh no, now we have to walk back.
There's no exit through the gift shop.
I want to like hiking.
It's like horseback riding.
You want to like it,
and then you get on a horse and you're like,
that's right, I'm not a 12-year-old girl.
Get me off this poor animal.
But hiking is huge.
It's huge.
There's hiking clothing.
There's clothing for walking.
There's clothing for walking outside.
I thought all clothing was for walking outside.
And there's whole parts of the country,
the entire Pacific Northwest,
everyone's dressed like there could be
an impromptu hike at a moment's notice.
Well, I'm going for a coffee,
but you never know what a hike might break out.
So I'll put on some sturdy shoes
and a breathable fleece.
That joke was brought to you by Patagonia.
You usually hike with a friend, right?
And pretend you're in a Viagra commercial.
How is your erectile dysfunction?
There's always that solo hiker
that looks like they just got rid of a body.
Was that guy with someone?
Why is he carrying a garbage bag?
Is that Dexter?
Why did you ask me to walk in the park?


What?
But it's not just walking.
Hiking involves an unnecessary amount of climbing.
You want to climb up here?
No, I don't want to climb up there.
I'm an adult.
I have a driver's license.
I don't like climbing.
I don't like climbing into an SUV.
You know that final step up?
I'm always like, is this worth it?
Why can't you have a normal car?
What are we, going on a safari?
I better see a damn elephant
if I'm climbing into your gas guzzler.
But once you get in an SUV,
you're always like, oh, yeah.
Let's invade Iraq.