I love Burlington, I love coming up here
I love being reminded of how shitty and unhealthy
I really am by you jerks
Just when you start to feel good
I see a Subaru Outback with a 26.2 sticker on the back
And I want to * kill myself
They're everywhere
I was behind a guy today, I'm like
I hope you get a flat and have to run home
That's where I'm at
I'm fishing old Wendy's fries out of my seat
This guy's checking his Fitbit
It's like, really, Holmes?
The unhealthy aren't doing that, right?
Mike, what's that 380 on the Honda?
Oh, that's my total cholesterol, actually
That's HDL and LDL
So * healthy here
I saw a guy with a prosthetic leg
Running up Church Street today
And I was like, Jesus, this guy's * still
Dying
I sat on one of my balls at breakfast
I had to take an hour nap
This guy's got one leg, he's running
I was like
I'm still sitting on my balls in the winter
That's a summer thing
Hurts
You're a big, decent-sized dude
You ever sit on an apple?
You ever do that?
You never have? Seriously?
You ever sit on a ball?
What's going on?
What do you got?
You just got little egg corns up here?
You're not carrying it?
You got a bag of onions
It hurts, brutal
Done it, right?
God, it's awful
It doesn't even hurt in your balls
It hurts in your stomach, deeply
Feels like somebody you love lied to you
That's the feeling you get
You're like, Mom? Again?
I have to get something off my chest
that's been bothering me
One of the reasons why I wanted to do the album here
I first came up here when I was about 18
and I came up to buy a lot of pop
and I did
and it was great
Yes, yes
I'm not apologetic about that at all
What I am apologetic about
was it was incredible
It was an incredibly stinky pop
and I was nervous to drive back
with it, so I ran out of money
I was a college kid
Does anybody here work at Pier 1?
Is there a Pier 1 still here?
Does anybody work here?
Work there? Okay, good
Don't tell anybody if you know
I went into Pier 1 and I stole
a jar. I stole a mason jar
from Pier 1 to put the weed in
I didn't have money, I felt terrible
It's been bothering me for like 20 years now
So to clear
my karma, what I did was
somewhere in this city this weekend
I hid a full jar of amazing weed
and it's up to you to find it
That's it
Just go
That's it
Tomorrow, just Pokemon Go yourselves around
Burlington
Follow your nose
Champ helped me hide it
so it might be near the lake
Might be at Nectar's
I don't know, you'll have to find it
So
I'll see you next time