I love this country.
I don't think this country's perfect,
but I don't think any country is.
And I think there are ways I could help improve this country
but nobody in Washington will listen to me
because of my behavioral problem.
There are three ways I think I could improve this country.
I could improve the heightened state of awareness system
in this country.
I could help fund the war in Iraq
and there's an immigration problem.
They want to build a wall all the way
from the Gulf of Mexico to the specific ocean,
to a specific ocean which they've already chosen.
Oh, he was sharp than that?
We saw him.
Went on a UFO tour and
took a trip across a specific ocean,
which he had already chosen in advance.
*.
Folks,
I believe in my heart that the Department of Homeland
Security's color-coded heightened state of awareness system
might be the most useless thing ever shoved
down the throats of the American people.
In all my travels,
I've yet to meet one person that knows what to do different if the
heightened state of awareness is yellow or orange or orange or yellow.
Nothing ever happens anyway.
I haven't met one person that knows that there are
five heightened states of awareness in this country.
Did you know that, sir?
* no, you didn't.
Blue, green, yellow, orange, and red.
Apparently when the heightened state of awareness is blue,
you don't even need sunscreen.
You can just walk outside naked.
You can't even burn my cock.
I'm not sure why the Scottish guy said that.
Burn my cock.
The biggest problem I have with the heightened state of
awareness system in this country is that it makes no sense.
The second biggest problem I have
with it is that it scares my mother.
Thanks.
The last time the heightened state of
awareness switched from yellow to orange,
my mother
called me.
My mother is very rural,
as am I. My mother called me and she goes,
the heightened
state of awareness just switched to orange.
I said, I know, Mother.
I was watching television.
She goes, I don't know what to do.
I said, Mother, nobody knows what to do.
They didn't
even print a flyer with this program.
But since we were attacked on 9-11, Mama, we've
all been in a general heightened state of awareness.
She goes, I don't know what that
means.
I said, well, Mom,
if you're getting on an airplane and the person in front of
you has seven H's in their name and a basket of * cobras,
check their shoes for fuses.
And that's not racism.
That's profiling.
And you have to do some profiling.
You can't frisk 10 grandmothers just so you can
pretend that that guy doesn't look suspicious.
Bullshit.
Go frisk his ass.
When he gets all * off, go, sorry.
And if he's still * off after that,
go,
hey,
you wore the turban to the * airport,
buddy.
You know?
Buy a John Deere cap for travel days.
*, I don't know.
Buy a John Deere turban.
Do they make them?
I'm sorry.
We're a little edgy.
If I were in charge of the Department of Homeland Security,
we'd have a heightened state of
awareness system in this country,
that's for sure.
But we'd have one that made sense and
one that the fine citizens of this country understood.
And we would have two heightened
states of awareness.
Go find a helmet.
Put on the * helmet.
That way I know what
to say to my mother when she calls.
I don't know what to do.
It's put on a * helmet,
baby.
Put on a * helmet, mom.
That strap goes under your chin, mother.
When mother
has her helmet on, she forgets her neck works.
Just turn your head, mom.
You're getting it.