Songwriter: Lowenstein, Jaron

I got a call from my ex today
Telling me she got engaged
She only told me to hurt me
'Cause that's how she was
And she still hasn't changed

She said, "Honey, aren't you happy for me"
"You know I'd be happy for you"

I said, "If happy for you means I hate you
"Then I'm happy for you
"If crying all night means I'm out getting drunk
"Then I've been crying, too
"I know you're only calling to make you feel good
"And see if I'm blue
"So, if happy for you means I hate you
"Then I'm happy for you"

And she told me about the new guy
And his big corporate job
He's got a fancy car, and he ain't no slob
And she wouldn't shut up about
About the size of his hands
Asked me if I knew what she meant, and then

(Really?!)

She said, "Honey, aren't you happy for me"
"You know I'd be happy for you"

(Ugh!)

I said, "If happy for you means I hate you
"Then I'm happy for you
"If jealous of you means I'm out getting laid
"Then I've been jealous, too
"I know you're only talking to make you feel good
"And see if I'm blue
"So, if happy for you means I hate you
"Then I'm happy for you"

Why can't you get on with your life
You keep coming 'round and tear my heart with your knife
You don't want me back, you just want me your way
I'm happy you called so you can hear me say

"If happy for you means I hate you
"Then I'm, I'm happy for you
"If crying all night means I'm out getting drunk
"Then, baby, I've been crying, too
"I know you're only talking to make you feel good
"And see if I'm blue
"So, if happy for you means I think you're a jerk
"If happy for you means get out of my life
"If happy for you means I hate you
"Then, I'm pretty sure

"No, I'm a hundred percent positive

"That I'm happy for you"