are there any perverts in the audience ladies and gentlemen are there any wankers in the audience
ladies and gentlemen are there any people in the audience with blistered palms ladies and gentlemen
i've been asked by a pervert to dedicate a filthy song to his brother dave
who's got piles and very seldom smiles and he'd like me to sing an old traditional rotherham
whippet neutering song which we sometimes do for people with piles that's entitled you can't cure
piles you can only rearrange them and we also did it for grey glands
and paul bundy ford i think we might as well sing a tune which explains everything a
lady who's got piles and very seldom smiles and he'd like me to sing an old traditional
man's guide to the second most famous * in the world
well my name is iva biggan and they say i've never been kissed my *** life took one hell of a knock
on the day i broke my wrist i much prefer
shandy to the company of lasses everybody says that i'll go blind you'll notice i'm wearing glasses
oh my name is iva biggan and i sing about them tits and them bums
whoa now you know my name you better get your gums around my plums
my name is iva biggan
I'm disgusting and obscene.
I blow my nose without a hanky and my fingernails aren't clean.
I'm public enema, number one, a man of effluence and style.
My je ne sais quoi is obvious cos it sticks out a mile.
Oh, my name is Ivan Bigel and I sing about them tits and them bums.
Oh, now you know my name, you better get your gums around my plums.
Well, my name is Ivor Biggen, but some dispute that fact
and they suggest I contravene the Trade Descriptions Act.
But my girl said she'd marry me if I had a 12-inch dung.
I said I'll cut it down to any size, love.
If you think that it's too long, oh, my name is Ivor Biggen
and I've got my mojo working well.
Oh, yeah, well, you can press my button.
Press my button and ring my bell.
Well, Ivor Biggen, Ivor Biggen, Ivor Biggen.
Ivor Biggen, Ivor Biggen, Ivor Biggen.
Ivor Biggen, Ivor Biggen, Ivor Biggen.
I'm moderately well-endowed.
I'm Britain's champion *.
I'm renowned throughout the land.
Everybody knows my name, but nobody wants to shake my hand.
Oh, my name is Ivor Biggen and I sing about them tits and them bums.
Oh, now you know my name, you better get your gums.
I said your gums.
I mean those gums.
Not talking about those teeth.
I'm talking about those gums around my plough.
Oh, thank you.
You've made an old man very happy.