* got real, man.
A lot of comics are bragging on,
or ragging on George Bush.
I like George Bush.
I like George W. Bush.
No, no, no, no, not because of his politics.
I just like him because I feel like I would have hung out
with him in high school.
You know what I mean?
Like he's the guy that would sit next to you
before class started and be all,
oh,
dude, there's a * test today.
And you'd be like, I know.
And he's like,
holy *,
I got so wasted last night.
And you'd be like, me too.
He's like, you want to get high?
You're like, * yeah.
And getting high with rich kids was the best,
wasn't it?
It was.
You drove around their dad's Mercedes.
And you didn't feel like you were wasting your life
because you're in a Mercedes.
Talking crazy * because you're big.
George is all, Bert,
we should kill a homeless person.
What the *'s wrong with you, George?
No,
man,
if you kill them fast enough,
you get their powers.
And you're like, really?
Let's do it.
And you're behind a liquor store stabbing a homeless guy,
right?
All the knife goes in so easy.
I didn't even have to push.
It's like
softer than Styrofoam but harder than butter.
I'm the only one that thought about putting a knife into someone.
Oh,
*.
So I've got a girlfriend.
I know.
You're probably like,
oh,
I wish you'd toothbrushed my balls.
I'm taking.
I always wanted to go on one of those dating game shows.
Not the new ones where it's like Fifth Wheel,
where it's just
four dudes cock blocking each other for a half an hour.
Although I think I'd be really good on it,
you know?
Like hop out of the van when the cameras are on.
Like, he said he had herpes in the van.
Swear to God, no.
Swear to God, no.
Oh my God.
Oh, yeah, I'm crazy.
I'll just make this * up.
It's just, oh, yeah, I'm the psycho one.
Well, you know, * him, see if you get it.
I don't care.
I want to go on the old school ones,
like the dating game.
Do you remember how great that show was?
Brilliance and simplicity.
One stool, partition, three stools.
And the same questions every time.
Batch number one, Rick.
You have a chance to take me on your perfect date.
Describe your perfect date.
And Chuck Willard's like,
yeah,
tell him where you're taking him,
Rick.
And we knew it was coming, but Rick's all,
perfect date?
Uh,
well, I'd take you down to Venice Boulevard.
And we'd roller blade.
And then I'd bring you back to my house
for a champagne and a back massage.
How does that sound?
She's like,
oh my God,
that sounds like the perfect date.
I wanted to be on that show so bad,
just so I could get that question, you know?
Batch number three, Bert.
You have a chance to take me on your perfect date.
Describe your perfect date.
All right, Danielle.
You start drinking around six.
But
I'm not picking you up till nine.
And you've never tried cocaine before.
Next thing you know,
you're starting to coke off my cock,
honey,
doing dick freezes.
How does that sound, Chuck Willard?
He's all, that does sound like a perfect date.
That's my time, guys.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen.