you seem fun do you mind if i ask you a question is that okay okay it's not impersonal it's not
invasive in front of all these strangers it's no big deal um when you're masturbating
okay and when you're masturbating alone okay there's no arched backs in the situation i'm
talking about okay you're not trying to be cute you get it like you're hungover you got a bag of
chips you understand this the scenario yeah no just me okay great good for you i uh okay when
you're alone and you're masturbating are you actually watching porn no i love that no great
honesty in the front row same here okay when i'm vibrating myself i just vibrate to the regularly
scheduled programming so there's been several occasions my husband's walked in on me masturbating
to forensic files and he's like is this what you're into like this is terrifying i'm like
what do you mean there's plenty of semen
you
in this show it's like mostly semen they don't catch them through their dandruff do they
stop jizzing where you kill men it's just an idea you might get away with it you might you just
might he's also walked in on me masturbating to modern family anybody anyone else and he's like
this is weird i'm like what do you mean i really want a family
is it weird that manny's on the screen you guys tell me
i don't know
he got older and older seasons okay don't look at me like
he grew into himself he was looking good towards the end
i uh i got married last year
thank you thank you don't clap too hard we were dating for seven years it
was rude and disrespectful okay it was getting rude and disrespectful real quick okay but i was
hinting hard i was like oh my god i don't know what's going on with your life i don't want to see your
in his face pretty hard like we'd be watching forensic files and right after i got off
the show would be like a week after they got married he murdered her
and i would turn to him and be like where'd that bitch get the ring
it would be like the week leading up to it he was torturing her in a basement and i was like wow
and this guy spends a full week off of work to hang out with her
where'd she find this gem am i right and i told him i was like i'm so jealous of this couple he's
like what the * are you talking about i was like they had a successful marriage it lasted
till death that's pretty good that's more than most people can say i think that's great
yeah we're doing some stuff now we're doing some big good stuff now that we're getting married
that's been fun uh we're looking to buy a house yeah thank you it's very tough
to buy a house harder than anal for for some people not in my experience but
we've like seen a thousand houses and i it's the craziest thing every house that we go into
the real estate agent doesn't even bother look at me they don't shake my hand they don't introduce
themselves to me so it's unbelievable they just go straight up to my husband and they're like sir
what do you do for a living isn't that crazy i was like that is so * up that is so sexist
that they guessed correctly can you guys imagine
but he was pissing me off so like after it happened like the fifth time i told him i was
like listen babe we are out of here okay we are not buying this house because you are thank you
thank you so much for the house
i should let you guys know though there's probably a reason why they probably recognize him he's kind
of a public figure my husband yeah you guys are probably like who is it it's ted cruz
no
guys it's not ted cruz i couldn't be with someone that sexy he got a nice haircut recently didn't
he it's uh it's not ted cruz yeah it's another comedian he's doing a little better than me it's
bill cosby um yeah cover your drinks ladies my husband's around it's it's not bill cosby
obviously yeah it's it's another comedian he's like doing well enough he's at this interesting
level of fame where he's doing well enough that like i get * on the internet right but like
we can still walk down the street and it's fine it's like this very interesting level of fame
but i posted this photo of me and him for his birthday i thought we looked nice in the photo
that's why i * post it hello okay somebody commented underneath it and they go
wow only a matter of time until he realizes he can * someone much hotter
this is how i started my day you guys reading this out loud to myself i was like
and and then and then somebody commented underneath it trying to defend me
and they go whoa you don't even know her she could have a good personality
i was like should i delete my account
that was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me i am hot enough to be insufferable god damn it
thank you
oh come on you guys aren't making me seem ugly now thank you