A couple years back, Hallie and I went on a vacation.
We went to Orlando, Florida.
And we went to Disney World.
Because that's what you do, right?
When you go to Orlando, you go to Disney World.
But both of us had been to Disney World before.
So we didn't want to spend our whole vacation there.
And that led to us saying something that does not always end well.
We said, let's see what else Orlando has to offer.
And that's how we discovered a place called Gatorland.
Anybody been?
A couple people been?
Anybody who has not had the pleasure, you guys can vouch for me.
That place is weird, right?
That's a weird place.
It's on the side of a highway in Orlando, Florida.
To get inside, you walk through this 15-foot-tall concrete alligator head.
And then you pay your admission.
And you go into this weird backyard that is filled with hundreds of alligators.
And that's it.
That's Gatorland.
It is just a dangerous place.
And not a sympathetic one.
Like, if you got bit and you tried to sue them,
I promise you the judge would just be like,
bro, you went to Gatorland.
That's the vibe.
In a very big way.
But I'm glad I went.
I'm really glad I went, actually.
Because Gatorland has this amazing quality.
Where even though it has a lot of faults,
it highlights a lot of ways that Disney World sucks.
For example, Disney World.
You gotta pay $20 just to park.
And then it's another $100 to get inside.
And even after all that money, you're waiting in those lines for hours to get on any of the good rides.
Now, at Gatorland, I paid $20 total.
And within five minutes of entering, I was watching a show where they hang chicken carcasses from strings.
And alligators leap out of a swamp and get them.
That's bang for your buck right there.
That is bang for your buck.
Disney World's all about fantasy.
Right?
Come get lost in the fantasy.
It's all fantasy.
All the time.
Gatorland?
Nothing but reality.
Hallie paid a guy three extra dollars.
He put a 14-foot-long albino python over her shoulders.
You want to talk about real emotion?
Watch your wife, the person you love most in the world, have a snake placed on her.
By a man you are almost positive is not certified to handle snakes.
That is as real as it gets.
At Disney World, I paid $6 for a large bottle of water.
Now, for $5 at Gatorland, I was given a package of turkey hot dogs.
And told, you can use these to feed the gators.
I said, cool, where do I go to do that?
The guy looked at me like I was an idiot, and he goes, anywhere you see a gator.
Gator?
So I was allowed to wander around.
Just flinging hot dogs at alligators.
Here's where I think Gatorland wins hands down.
It's the effortlessness of the place.
Gatorland is effortless.
Disney World's many things.
It's not effortless.
Let's just think about the creation of the two places.
Disney World.
Walt Disney used to travel from California to Florida.
No one knew these trips were happening.
He bought a private jet so he could get on it and be personally flown over the entire state.
So he could scout out.
The perfect plot of land.
All of this was done with CIA-level secrecy.
Whereas,
far as I can tell,
Gatorland came into existence when some lunatic who already owned a swamp
just put a fence around it and was like,
now it's called Gatorlands.
That's what's up.