I'd now like to ask you guys a question.
And I enjoy asking this in every city I go to
because I really get to learn about the character
of the different cities I'm in.
I will ask you, don't force it.
No need to clap just to help me out.
Really, only genuinely clap
if you have thought about this before right now
and you have an answer you're willing to share.
By a round of applause,
is there anyone in this room
who already knows what their plan is
if the apocalypse comes?
There's always a handful of people.
I'll ask you.
I won't make funny, not my style.
Can I ask you what your plan is?
Immediately kill yourself.
A round of applause
in the pragmatic southern part of Brooklyn.
A lot of people saying, yes, I as well.
I'll chuckle at one last New Yorker cartoon
and then I will kill myself.
I'll jump off the promenade.
South Carolina.
South Brooklyn.
It's really interesting.
You get to learn about the places you're at.
It's wild.
Even in the different sections of New York City,
I get different recurring answers.
Manhattan, when I do shows there,
number one recurring answer,
I'll hide out in the subway tunnels.
You hear that.
South Brooklyn, we just heard,
kill yourself right away.
But even North Brooklyn,
number one answer in Williamsburg,
I'm going to steal a boat
and get out on the East River.
And when I heard that recurring again and again,
I was like, that is proof
of gentrification right here.
Everybody in Williamsburg knows how to sail now, huh?
I don't know if that was true many years ago, right?
Even 10 years ago, it was like,
we all live in warehouses and make music, man,
that's changing society from the inside out.
Now it's like, yeah,
we're all * schooner authorities.
Like, it's a little different.
The Midwest, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois.
I'm not kidding when I say,
when I ask this question,
one third of the time,
someone just shouts the word,
Costco!
And I love that.
I love that so much
that the instinct in the American Midwest
during the apocalypse,
buy in bulk.
I love that.
I love that.
I made the mistake of asking this question
in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Which, I judged it before I went there too.
First thing I'll say,
it's actually an awesome town.
It's really cool.
Very fun.
A lot of stuff to do.
But, it is the home base of an entire religion.
The Mormon faith.
I go on stage in Salt Lake City,
I go, anybody here have a plan
for when the apocalypse comes?
The entire room was like,
yes!
It's all we ever talk about!
Finally, a comedy show for us!
I've had like a dozen different plans
that I swear by over the years
where I'm like, that's it,
that's what I'm doing.
And I would share my plans with you guys,
but that would be a waste.
That would be a waste of all of our time.
We all know that I die immediately.
As soon as my glasses break.
Dead.
That's it.
All of us with glasses, we're dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.
I'm also the only comedian that has this many glasses wearers
consistently sitting this close.
It is true.
I've realized that is my target demographic.
People who have corrective lenses,
but still need to sit this close to see.
That is my audience.
This happens all the time to the degree that
Carmen, who comes on the road to me all the time,
he once very genuinely asked me,
he's like, I don't get it.
Like, do you really have this many fans who can't see?
Or are these people cosplaying as you?
He asked that and he meant it.
All of us with glasses.
Like, why are we not getting LASIK?
It's like, we want to die.
Like, what's going on?
If you're on any medication, as soon as it runs out,
sorry to tell you, you're dead.
Like, heart medication, obviously,
but even the simple ones.
Like, acne medication.
Someone in your tribe will be like,
you're pimply, you're weak.
I am the alpha, you're dead.
Like, that's how it goes.
It's fun to talk about.
I asked my dad his opinion on this.
My dad has a PhD in environmental science.
He got it right when he retired.
So he's kind of built to answer this question.
So I go to him, I go,
Dad, I live in New York City now.
Apocalypse hits, what do I do?
And he answered instantly.
He didn't stop and think about it for even one second.
I go, New York City, apocalypse hits, what do I do?
He goes, follow the rats.
And I'm like, excuse me?
And he goes, rats are survivors, man.
They'll be going somewhere.
You go there too.
Maybe you'll be a survivor too.
You follow those rats.
And I was like, dude, I've known you for 39 years.
This is the first cool thing you have ever said.
That's awesome.
Follow the rats, that's the best.
That's my new life mantra.
I will follow the rats anywhere until of course
the rats go down some alley that's a dead end
where there's a one inch gap in the brick
that they can squeeze through because they're rats.
And then my glasses fall off and I die.