I wish I liked fish.
I wish I was the person in the restaurant
that's like, you know,
I don't get to go out to dinner that often,
but instead of getting a delicious steak,
I'll get the fish,
because I like disgusting food.
Because fish is disgusting.
How bored are you with eating
if you're ordering the fish?
You know, just bring me something gross.
I like to waste money.
Who's the first person to walk into a harbor
and go, hey, whatever reeks in here,
let's eat that.
Fish don't even like fish.
That's why they're always frowning.
They're like, mmm.
What's that smell?
Oh, it's me.
I'm a fish.
What's the best compliment you can give fish?
It's to say that it's not fishy.
Isn't fish supposed to be fishy?
Get the hamburger.
It's not burgery.
Fishy is an indication something's wrong.
Something fishy going on here?
No, everything's burgery.
I'm Catholic.
Every Friday during Lent, we eat fish,
which is supposed to symbolize
the suffering of Jesus on the cross.
What?
Which means at one point,
someone was like,
how should we honor the sacrifice of Jesus?
And the other guy was like,
well,
we could fast.
We could starve ourselves.
No, that's too easy.
What if we ate fish?
The other guy was like,
I'd rather be crucified.
It's a true story.
It's in the Bible.
Fish.
Some cultures,
they eat fish for breakfast.
Good morning.
Here's some fish.
It matches your breath.
I'm not even hungry in the morning.
Granted,
because I ate a couple hours earlier.
But fish?
I was in Iceland.
Went down to breakfast.
At the beginning of the buffet,
there was a bottle of fish oil
and 12 shot glasses.
They're drinking fish for breakfast.
I don't know when you're supposed to drink fish,
but maybe not when you wake up.
Do you want the orange juice,
the grapefruit juice,
or the fish juice?
The best news that ever happened to grapefruit juice.
Finally, I'm not the worst thing on the planet.