It's, I know it's been a hard few years for most of us, so this last one I wrote because
I wanted to ease everybody's hearts and minds.
Everyone leaves, then you die, and no one will remember what kind of car you drive.
Everyone leaves, then you die, and no one will remember a single thing you posted online.
I played by the rules, went to college, got degrees, thought these arbitrary papers might
help me to achieve, doing lots of menial labor to afford to chase my dreams, think the lockdown
was the last time that I had some time to breathe.
But I don't get worried and I don't get stressed about my mounds and mounds of interest accumulating
student debt, cause at least I have five jobs, I'm a cog in the machine, but when life
gets really heavy, I smile, remembering that everyone leaves, then you die, and I probably
won't get to retire in this lifetime.
You too?
Everyone leaves, then you die, and I probably won't pay my loans back in this lifetime.
Never, never, never, never, never, never, never will they see a single dime, they'll have
to pry it from my cold, lifeless body.
For legal reasons that's a joke, but I don't know why we're here, I'm not sure what this
means, I'm still fairly young in the grand scheme of things, if it's all for a reason
then that certainly must be, to get lots of fame and followers and end up on TV.
If the good die young, guess I'm bad if I'm still here, and being cruel and selfish are
two things that I'm most proud of.
Fear, ugh, I'm supposed to be funny, that got way too sincere, now you're crowdsourcing
my therapist appointments in the rear, oop, that was weird, let me make another joke,
you're all waiting for a joke, better tell another joke, how about altruistic billionaires,
American healthcare, or acting too cool, when in reality you're scared, wouldn't it be better
to tell the ones you love you care, tell them you love them while they're still right there,
hell no, I'm not a munch, I'm not a simp, I'm solitary, I'll bury my emotions cause
they're all involuntary.
It's funny, the annoying kids who had too much to say are now the adults who function
the best when they dissociate, let me be the first to say, be with me now, today.
You don't know when's the last breath you're gonna take, cause maybe when we die there's
no guaranteed legacy, and maybe when I die none of you will remember me, which is probably
for the best.
I do stand-up comedy, with corny rapping, I ask you to sing.
One day, then you die.
But don't worry, you're gonna be all right.
Everyone leaves, then you die, but don't worry, you're gonna be all right, one more time now.
Everyone leaves, then you die, but don't worry, we're gonna be all right.
Thank you so much.
I'm Jamie Schreiner.
Good night.
Thank you.
DJ, hit it!