I also decided to have a kid
because I'm only 33,
which I know is not technically high risk,
but my body was starting to show signs of change.
And it scared me.
Like, I'm only 33,
and my pussy is not as wet as it used to be.
It's very demoralizing, okay?
Do you remember when you were 18 years old
and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time?
All the time, you just took it for granted
that you could just reach your hand down your pants
at any given moment.
You'd throw up the peace sign afterwards,
and there would be that snail trail
in between your fingers.
Oh, my God, it was so juicy.
You could just blow a bubble wand with it.
Just, ah!
I slime you.
I slime you.
Go, Spidey!
Busters!
I don't know what kind of mother I'm gonna be.
I'm 33, and I did have to get a little bit of science involved
when trying to get pregnant.
And a lot of that is most likely my fault
because when I was in my 20s,
I ate Plan B like Skittles.
So my uterus probably looked like a smoker's lung.
And I found out that my progesterone levels
were alarmingly low.
So then I had to take these hormone pills
that were suppositories
and push-pop them up myself every single night.
And then at my writing job at Fresh Off the Boat,
I would be storyboarding in front of my coworkers,
and then at some point,
the pill would inevitably dissolve
and melt into my underwear,
and I had to act like everything was okay
when everything was clearly not okay.
And then a side effect of the progesterone
was that it made me extremely itchy.
So then I had to find ways to discreetly scratch myself
underneath the conference table
and then resist the urge
to immediately smell my fingers afterwards.
I want to be!
I want to be able to smell my fingers
when I want to smell my own goddamn fingers.
Housewives, they can just scratch and sniff all day long.
They just vacuum, scratch, sniff.
They make a sandwich.
They watch Property Brothers scratch it.
What's crackin'?
Every time you scratch yourself,
all you can think about is,
when can I smell my fingers?
When can I smell my fingers?
When can I discreetly find my fingers?
When can I find a way to...
Smell my fingers.
Nature made you urgently curious
to protect you,
because you got to check
that it's all good in the hood.
If it's too funky,
you need to see a doctor.
Your fingers are your first WebMD.