That's not good. Okay Pat, let's love yourself a bit more. This is not cool. I trained myself a bit like that. That's what it's all about. To deal with tension that way. From an early age. I think I was about 10 years old when I became aware of death. That the thought comes that you're going to die one day. That's a very bad thought. That's when the hatch opens for the first time. And you also think about it when you're peeing. Never when you're playing football with your mates. Can you think about it? No, you're going to pee. Hey Pat, you're going to die. No, that's nice to think about. *** ***. I couldn't sleep. I started to panic. That's very scary. Only a few weeks after that realization I discovered masturbating. And that was very nice for me. Because that's a very good way not to think about death. As soon as I got scared, I started to jerk off. Give myself a nice feeling. Jerking off out of fear. That's what it's all about. But it helps. At some point, when I discovered it I didn't think about time anymore. I thought about jerking off. I had to. I was only jerking off. That was my life. I thought, *** it, I just have to jerk off now. It's also boring when you have to pee. But there's just not enough time to jerk off. I have to sleep now. Build up energy. Jerk off again tomorrow. I had to make a schedule. I had to think about it. I had a formula. I couldn't think about time. I thought about jerking off. It was about 6 o'clock. I went to dinner at 7.30. 6 o'clock. I have three jerks. I'll make it.