The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger
Honoring that deceptive space explorer, Colonel Coddick.
Hear the colonel's first words since his return from the planet Earth.
You are all, Commander Coddick, invited to attend.
The Lone Ranger
Please, please, thank you for this unsolicited testimonial.
And now, by special permission of the Commander-in-Chief, me,
here is Mars' first space explorer, Colonel Cosmic.
I can't tell you how happy I am to see your smiling faces once more.
First, let me say that this trip was made possible only by our dauntless chief,
Og the Magnificent,
introducer of Og Power,
which runs most of our industry,
and inventor of Og Speed,
which doubles the original Og Power.
A short time ago, the master was having trouble with the state limousine.
He had, of course, developed the od-splosive charge.
But it was inclined to get a little out of hand, just slightly.
And, of course, there was always the problem of friction.
Parts rubbing together, heating up,
and causing all sorts of trouble.
But, but, but, our, our leader was undaunted.
He immediately ordered our first expedition into space
to bring back the secret of how other planets got their state limousines to run smoothly.
The target was picked with painstaking scientific accuracy.
The target was picked with painstaking scientific accuracy.

The target was picked with painstaking scientific accuracy.
You all know with what eagerness I volunteered for the mission,
and with what confidence I took off.
I took careful bearings and set out for my goal.
It seemed no time till I was approaching a country of Earth called, uh, uh,
the United States of America.
I set her down like a feather.
Watch all the wreckage!
Naturally, I protected government property by making the saucer invisible.
Hereafter, the chicken!
And though the natives showed great interest in me,
I decided to make myself invisible.
I decided to make myself invisible.
I decided to make myself invisible.
Seeing moving lights in the distance, I headed for them.
What phenomenal luck!
I had landed close to what seemed to be an endless procession of state limousines.
They move quickly and yet with fantastic smoothness.
They move quickly and yet with fantastic smoothness.
I just had to get a closer look at one of those Earthmobiles.
Just as I thought.
Not only smooth and efficient,
but powerful as well.
I watched them for hours.
Great!
Any mead they were superb.
I just couldn't help comparing them with ours.
If you call that a comparison.
Surely these vehicles must be the property
of the highest officials.
I was wrong.
It seems that almost everybody in this country
has one of those, uh, uh...
They call them automobiles.
They use them for transportation,
for business, for pleasure.
They use them for all sorts of things.
I found that these vehicles gather at places
called service stations,
where they are fed, lubricated,
uh, that's how they beat friction,
and given the finest care.
The source of their nourishment
was something called
Petroleum.
A power source like that
must be a highly prized state secret.
I had to find out about it.
Hmm...
Perhaps the secret lay within this government archives building.
It was heavily guarded,
but casting discretion to the wind,
I walked boldly inside.
Their code was remarkably easy to break.
They merely substituted the word oil.
Petroleum.
And I soon got hold of a veritable
mine of classified information.
I began to assimilate the material.
I soon found out that
though petroleum products are easily found anywhere,
petroleum itself is a very elusive substance.
Experts have to search for it constantly
in all the most likely and unlikely places,
with all kinds of substance.
It's a scientific device.
When they figure they've found a good spot,
they drill a hole in the ground called
an oil well.
For almost all oil lies far beneath the surface of the earth.
These wells go down thousands of feet
and cost a lot of money to drill.
But that's no guarantee that they're going to find oil.
Matter of fact, in exploratory drilling,
only one well in nine finds any oil at all.
Only one in forty-five.
Four recovers enough oil to pay for itself.
And only one in almost a thousand makes a major discovery.
Pretty big odds.
Yet America's proved reserve,
the oil supplies still underground,
have kept increasing steadily.
I couldn't imagine how this ever-increasing supply of oil was achieved
until I found out that there's not just one,
but thousands of oil companies.
All competing with each other
to discover and develop new sources of oil.
For believe it or not,
in the USA, anyone who is willing to risk it
can drill for oil.
But oil discovery is only part of the story.
Once they get oil out of the ground,
it has to be moved.
Through pipelines,
on ship,
or in tank cars,
to fantastic processing plants called refineries.
Crude oil goes in,
and break Jupiter the things that come out.
Gasoline, for example,
the most efficient mobile power source on Earth.
That was the stuff that powered all those cars and trucks.
And asphalt,
which makes smooth, durable roads.
It seems that oil not only runs cars,
it even gives them something to run on.
Another oil product is the diesel fuel,
which runs giant trains across the nation.
In winter, fuel oil made from petroleum
brings warmth and comfort to millions of homes.
And still other fuels help defend America's shores and skies.
From refineries also come the lubricating oils and greases
that keep the wheels turning in America.
But that still isn't all.
Crude oil, like everything else,
is made up of billions of tiny molecules.
And using the magic of research,
oil companies compete with each other
in taking the petroleum molecule apart
and rearranging it into,
well, you name it.
Fabric, toothbrushes,
tires, insecticides,
cosmetics, weed killers.
A whole galaxy of things
to make a better life on Earth.
And you know,
it isn't just oil companies
that try to outdo each other
competing for the customer's dollar.
The same story is true of almost every
successful business enterprise in America.
The result?
A higher standard of living in the USA
than in any other country on the whole planet.
At last, the secret was mine.
And now, to get proof of my discovery,
I smuggled past the border guard.
In spite of my infinite precautions,
one of them became suspicious
and gave the alarm.
Come back for the eggs, did you?
Yeah!
And so, with the fond farewells
of the natives ringing in my ears,
I took off once again for Mars.
My landing was a little bumpy,
but I saved my precious cargo.
Yes, I brought the secret back with me.
And here they are.
The big secret is, of course, oil,
which has brought a better life
to all the people in the USA.
But the key to making oil work for everybody
is competition.
Fellow Martians, I thank you.
Hmm, very interesting, Colonel.
Oil, huh?
Sounds splendid.
But that, uh, what was it?
Uh, competition?
Not our kind of thing at all.
Why, competition is downright unmarked!
Oil! You have oil for everybody!
Oh, boy, oil!
Look at them!
You know what this means, Cosmic!
You bet I do, Og!
It means that you're through!
So why don't you get lost?
Oh, my God!










Yes, the real secret is not only a great source of energy,
but also the freedom to make it work for everybody.
And if you have both of these things,
any goal is possible.
It's Destination Unlimited!