I have a great girlfriend.
I've been with her for almost 10 years.
She's awesome.
You know that beautiful part
in the beginning of the relationship
when you know that you're going
to be intimate with somebody
and you get to go cock shopping together.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, thank you.
She knows.
Let me just say,
I want to say for the guys out there,
if you have your own dick attached,
I feel bad for you.
Hear me out.
Because when you get together with somebody,
it's kind of like a *** bag.
You get what you get.
But if you go out with me,
we'll get you what you want.
May the best cock win.
There's a few people that were not clapping.
They were dudes.
They were like,
that guy's a * *.
You know, I have to say,
it's not all a bed of roses either.
Having, you know, strapping on a dick
and * that way, it's hot, it's fun,
it's all of that.
But sometimes,
there's some * that happens.
Like, there's a give and take.
Like,
you guys have your own dick attached
and you have things that I don't have.
Like, sensation, for example.
And I don't know if any of you guys out there
have ever strapped on your dick
and you're * your partner
and then you actually don't know
because you don't have sensation,
you don't know that you're not in them anymore.
That's embarrassing.
You're just air *.
And your partner's like tapping you on the shoulder
like, what are you doing?
I'm like,
you * like that?
You like that?
You like that?
No.
No.
You're * the bed right now.
It's embarrassing.
But you know what?
It's all give and take.
It's all give and take.
There's pluses and minuses all around.
So we went cock shopping together
and I was very excited
because I wanted it to be a blend of what she wanted
and a blend of what I wanted.
Like if I had been born with a penis,
what that might be like
and also a blend of what she wanted.
And so we compromised
and I got an eight by six chocolate brown dick.
Yeah.
We named it.
We named it.
We named it Goong Goong
after that sound on Law and Order.
Because that's the sound it makes.
And you guys will never watch Law and Order
the same way again.
That * is on 24 hours a day.
Next time that *'s on Facebook me, okay?
So I like to sort of banter with my guy friends
that have their own dick attached.
Like maybe whose dick is better.
Like I think mine's better.
And I was asking my buddy Dan, who's also a comic.
I was like, Dan, I'm like,
if you could take your dick off anytime you wanted to,
when would you take it off?
He's like, I don't know if I saw a snowman
that needed a nose.
I can take that * off and throw it in the dishwasher.
Can you do that?
No.
No.
Got a heavy load.
I'm going to turn it to cock.
Cocks and pans.
Got a heavy load.
Heavy load.