Jillian was her name

She was sweeter than aspartame

Her kisses reconfigured my DNA

And after that I never was the same And I loved her even more

Than Marlon Brando loved souffle

She was gorgeous, she was charming

Yeah, she was perfect in every way Except she was always using the word "infer"

When she obviously meant "imply"

And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing

But frankly, I can't imagine why And I told her, I said

"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?

No, I don't think we are!

You're close! (Close!)

But no cigar!" Then I met sweet young Janet

Prettiest thing on the planet

Had a body hotter than a habanjero

She had lips like a ripe pomegranate And I was crazy like Manson about her

She got me all choked up like Mama Cass

She had a smile so incredibly radiant

You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass I thought after all these years of searching around

I'd found my soulmate finally

But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy

Of Joe Dirt on DVD Oh, no! I said

"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?

No I don't think we are!

You're close! (Close!)

Oh, so very close! (Close!)

Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)

So close!

But no cigar!" (Oh, yeah!)

(Oh, no!)

(Oh, yeah!)

(Oh, no!)

(Oh, yeah!)

(Oh, no!)

(ALL RIGHT!) [Hand claps, trumpet solo] Julie played water polo

She wore a ribbon on her left manolo

She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near

My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo And she was everything I've dreamed of

She moved right up to #1 on my list

And did I mention she's a world famous billionare

Bikini supermodel astrophysicist Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron

Look like a big fat slobbering pig

The only caveat is one of her earlobes

Was just a little tiny bit too big I said

"Hey! Are we doing government work here?

No I don't think we are!

You're close! (Close!)

So very, very close! (Close!)

Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)

So close!

But no cigar!" Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)

Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)

Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)

But no cigar!