Somebody said I should check out the Chinese New Year this year.And so it was around Valentine's Day.It was Year of the Rooster.I went to San Francisco, California,because they have the largest Chinatown in the world.That's a fact.There are larger ones in China, doi,but over there they're just called towns.Anyway, it was Year of the Rooster,but I partied like it was dragon.Oh, yeah.Mugu gai pen out the yin-yang.I tell you, all you can eat and *** sum.And then they clear the plates,and I'll...Well, all I have is this government-issuedChinese zodiac placematthat says Happy New Year in the middle of February.And to me, that's a red flag.I don't think the first day of the new yearshould be hiding in the middle of the second month, right?There's something fishy going on.I did a little research.Turns out Chinese New Year starts on a different day every year.Maybe it's the middle of February.Maybe it's June 52nd.But it always manages to end up on the day of a parade.Hmm, yeah.Interesting.That's...That's another red flag,a big one with yellow stars,if you know what I mean.There's something going on.I have a lot of products that are built in Chinawith a year-long warranty,and I'm afraid...that they're going to rip me off somehow.Hey, I've got this air conditionerthat I got for global warming,and it's supposed to expire in 2018.And they go, no, that's going to expire.It's going to expire in rat.There's something going on.I don't know what it is.I looked up my birthday.I was born in year of the monkey.That's what my placemat has always told me.And why would a placemat lie to me?It doesn't make any sense.But it turns out the year I was born,year of the monkey, didn't start until February.I was born in January.So technically, it was still goat outside when I was born.And...I'm a little upset about that.I don't know if anyone here has ever been demoted to goat,before.I've been living a lie all of these years.I thought it was skillful and flexible and creative.No, it turns out I'm compassionate and fancy,and I like rabbits.Well...I don't like rabbits,and I don't like people telling me to like rabbits.Okay?So, fancy, I'll take the upgrade on that.But I'm...I'm done with you, China.That's it.I said, I'm boycotting you, right?So, sayonara.China.And I...I flew home from San Francisco,and I went to my doctor, because...None of your business.But...I was in the waiting room in the doctor's office,and I was reading this little pamph.It was a tiny little pamph.It was like a pamphlet, and...The pamphlet said that one...One out of every three Americans is morbidly obese.So, once again, look where you're sitting.One out of three...If the person sitting on your leftand the person sitting on your rightis the same person...You're probably not morbidly obese.You're probably not obese.But you might want to step out of their feed zone for a minute.It's not that we're getting more obese people,it's just that non-obese people are disappearingin snack-related incidents...At an alarming rate.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.