please welcome to the stage
the amazing Mae Planner!
I think about getting pregnant
so I can get sober.
I think it'll work this time.
I do.
I do think it'll work.
Yeah, I definitely do want kids, though, for sure.
I definitely want kids.
I know that about myself.
I am trying to get pregnant, though.
I'm in my mid-30s.
I'm a little nervous about it.
I'm like, what if I can't get pregnant?
You know, that's really hard.
I wouldn't have to go through that.
And there is one thing that gives me confidence
that I won't have an issue in that department, though.
And that's how my mother used to embarrass me
in front of boys in high school, okay?
So boys would come over to take me on a date
and they would pull into my driveway
and my mother would go out into the lawn and say,
no having ***, May Elaine, we're a very fertile family.
I was like, Mom, I know I've had several abortions.
You drove me there?
I thought it was a bonding experience
between the two of us.
She forgot.
I don't know.
She had amnesia.
It was really weird.
On a serious note, though, my husband and I,
we've been trying for a bit.
It's been kind of tough.
We've been trying for like eight months or so to do anal.
It's...
That is the hardest thing ever.
That is the hardest thing I've ever had to do
in my entire life, okay?
I have not had a very hard life.
Do you understand?
It's an exceptionally challenging thing to do.
And I'll talk to my girlfriends about it
and they're like, are you kidding me?
You never had a guy in college
just slip it in the wrong hole?
And I was like...
No.
The * are you talking about?
If someone is slipping it in your wrong hole,
you need to get your sphincter muscle checked.
You need to see a physician.
I am serious, okay?
That is not normal.
I have never had that happen before.
My experience on anal ***
is that I set it out as a New Year's resolution, okay?
I wrote it down in my book.
I said, I will achieve this this year.
And then we bought lube and a tarp.
And we have not been successful.
So if anybody has any tips,
sir, please,
talk to me after the show, okay?
And don't tell me poppers.
I know about the poppers.
I know all about the poppers, okay?
Do we have any mothers here?
That makes sense.
I...
I do have some friends
that are moms.
I have some moms now, though.
I have this one friend.
She's * crazy, okay?
She had a kid on purpose.
It was...
She's out of her mind, okay?
But I don't know what the * TikTok she's watching.
I don't know what she's doing with her life.
But she's doing this thing.
It's the craziest, most crunchy granola thing
I've ever seen in my life, okay?
She is still breastfeeding her son.
Kid's almost four.
Thank you for that reaction.
Because people told me that I was mom-shaming
and I was like, well, maybe she should know.
Like, this is obscene, right?
And, like, she'll post about it online.
Like, she's a breast milk influencer.
I swear to God, it's the craziest...
I didn't even know this was a thing.
She'll just be like,
reasons why I'm still incorporating breastfeeding
and list all these reasons.
I'm like, oh, my God, you're not a super mom.
You're just a super cow.
I just reported this post for incest.
Like, what are we doing here?
This is crazy.
Like, truly, if he can walk,
he can walk his ass to the fridge.
Am I right?
Like, what is going on here?
If he can ask for consent, it's a * no.
That is horrible.
Hard and fast, no, thank you very much, okay?
And, like, I'm not a mom yet,
so I don't want to be rude,
but, like, I want to ask her, like,
when does this end when the kids are breast milk sommelier?
You know what I mean?
Like, one day he's just going to be like,
please, mom, a little less onions.
You know I don't like it spicy, mom.
I'm going to throw a temper tantrum.