I do love her.
She can be demanding, like unrealistic demands.
Like she wants me to lose weight.
I have no expectation of losing weight.
Some of it is, I used to have all these jokes on donuts.
And now sometimes when I do shows out of town,
people will give me boxes of donuts,
which makes me think,
I'm going to start doing jokes about private jets.
But I'll do a show and someone will give me a box of donuts
or I'll get to my hotel room
and in my hotel room there'll be a box of donuts.
And I always look at the donuts like,
I'm not, not going to eat those.
I mean, those were a gift.
What would Jesus do?
He'd eat the donuts.
But it's always a box, a dozen, a dozen donuts.
I'm by myself.
I'm typically in a city for one night.
What kind of monster pig do I come across as?
How many donuts should we get?
Enough for a Baptist church.
Whatever would feed an entire Little League team.
That'll cover that tub of turds for a couple hours.
I don't know what to do with all the donuts.
I'll eat two.
All right, I'll eat four.
But I don't know what to do with the rest of them.
What do I put them in my rolly luggage?
I did that once.
I'm not proud of it.
We've all done things we're not proud of.
You're like, this is kind of pathetic, but here goes.
Zip, zip, zip.
Off to the airport we go.
Of course, that was the time I got the random search at the airport.
I made it through the metal detector.
This nice TSA guy was like, sorry, sir, random search of your bag.
And I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha.
What I wanted to say is, I have drugs in my butt.
Because a cavity search at that moment seemed less humiliating
than revealing the true contents of my life.
I was like, I'm a junkie, I'm a junkie, I'm a junkie, I'm a junkie.
But I had to do it.
So the TSA guy unzipped the bag.
And it was one of those flat boxes of donuts.
You know, like Krispy Kreme.
So it took up the entire rolly bag.
It looked like I was smuggling donuts.
And the TSA guy just looked at me like, wow.
They sell those here.
It was a Dunkin' Donuts, two gates away.
There was such compassion in his eyes.
You got a problem.
And I couldn't say anything.
I couldn't be like, those aren't mine.
Some guy gave them to me.
Some guy named Al, Al Qaeda, he gave them to me.
I had to act all casual.
I'd be like, yeah, those are my donuts.
I travel with donuts.
I'm trying to get diabetes.
Why don't you leave me alone?
And since it was a random search, the actual box of donuts had to be open.
And because I was wheeling through the airport,
all the donuts were crammed and smushed to one end.
It looked like I had rummaged through a dumpster outside of a donut shop.
Well, this one's still good.
Just get these rocks and sticks out of here.
That's a perfectly good powdered sugar.
No, that's Ajax on that one.
The TSA guy just looked at me like, you can go.
It's probably your last flight anyway.
Yeah.