I was riding on a main floor when I thought I spied some land
I yelled, if Captain Ahab, I'll have you on the stand
Who came running to the deck, said, boys, forget the whale
Look over yonder, cut the hinges, change the sail
Haul on the bull line, we sang that melody like all tough sailors do
When they're far away at sea
I think I'll call America, I said we hit the land
I took a deep breath, I felt out, I just could not stand
Captain Ahab, he started writing up some deeds
He said, let's set up a fort and start buying places of beans
Just as a cop comes down the street, crazy as a moon
He throws us all in jail for carrying harpoons
I'm y'all busted out, don't even ask me, don't even ask me how
I went to get some help, I walked by a Jersey cow
Directed me down to the Bowery Slums
Where people carry signs around saying, ban the bums
I jumped right in line, said, I hope I'm not too late
When I realized I hadn't eaten for five days straight
I went into a restaurant, looking for a cook
I told him I was the editor of a famous etiquette book
The waitress, he was like, what's going on?
He was handsome, he wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, could you please make that great?
Just then, the whole kitchen exploded from boiling fat
Food was flying everywhere, and I left without my hat
Now, I didn't mean to be nosy, but I went into a bank
To get some bail for A-Rab and all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral, and I pulled down my pants
They said, what's going on?

I said, what's going on?



When up comes this girl from France who invited me to her house
I went, but she had a friend who knocked me out and robbed my boots
And I was on the street again
I rapped upon a house with a U.S. flag upon display
I said, could you help me out?
I got some friends down the way
The man says, get out of here, I'll tell you from limb to limb
I said, you know they refuse Jesus, too
He said, you're not him
Get out of here before I break your bones
I ain't your pop, I decided to have him arrested
And I went, what's going on?
I'm looking for a cop
I ran right outside, I hopped into a cab
I went out the other door, and this Englishman said, fab
As he saw me leave a hot dog stand and a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor, and the man asked me who I was
I ran right through the front door, like a hobo sailor does
I repeated that my friends were all in jail with a sigh
He gave me his card, he said, call me if they die
I shook his hand and said goodbye
And ran out into the street
When a bowling ball came down the road and knocked me off my feet
A payphone was ringing, it just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said hello, this foot came through the line
Well, by this time I was fed up at trying to make a stand
And bringin' back any help for my friends, it got me rammed
I decided to flip a coin, like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go back to the ship or back to jail
So I hopped my sailor suit, and I got a coin to flip
It came up tails, it rhymes to sail, so I made it back to the ship
Well, I got back and took the pocket, take it off the mask
I was trippin' into shreds
When a coast guard boat went past, they asked me my name
I said, Captain Kidd, they believe me, but they want to tell me my name


To know exactly what I did
I said, for the Pope of Eru, I was employed
They let me go right away, they were very paranoid
Well, the last time I heard of A-Rab, he was stuck on a wheel
That was married to the deputy sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was, when I was leavin' the bay
I saw three ships sailin', they were all headin' my way
I asked the captain what his name was, but how come he didn't drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus, and I just said, Columbus
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