Thank you to everyone who watched the Jim Gaffigan show, by the way.
I appreciate it.
And if you didn't watch, that just means you're a jerk.
No, but thank you if you did watch,
because there are so many television shows
and episodes of television shows we could and should be watching.
It's amazing any of us are here right now.
It's kind of overwhelming.
DVR, On Demand.
And sometimes I open my Netflix, I'm like,
I don't think I can do it.
I'm not even going to make a dent here.
And I know there's pressure.
We all feel it, because we've developed excuses for our friends,
like we're dealing with debt collectors.
You watch Game of Thrones?
I'm a little behind.
Like, give me a week.
My wife had a dumb baby.
And it's never ending.
You finish that.
You finish that show.
Now you have to watch this show.
And then you have to.
No, now I need to learn how to read again.
I need to sound out some words and see if I can read.
Have you read a physical book lately?
Not on a tablet or a laptop, an actual book.
You feel like you're Abe Lincoln.
Oh, it's made of wood.
Hope it doesn't catch on fire.
When does this have to be back at the museum?
Because we're all binge watching.
Remember when they first introduced the idea of binge watching?
I was like, how pathetic.
I'm just going to watch an episode or two.
I haven't showered in a week.
I'm a grandfather.
I missed my own funeral.
I binge watch shows I don't even like.
This is pretty bad.
I guess I'll watch five more episodes.
I watched every episode of True Blood,
and I'm not even gay.
I know some of you are like,
Jim, watching True Blood doesn't mean you're gay.
That's because you're gay.
It's the number one cause of gayness.
My friends don't understand.
They're like, when do you watch?
You have five kids.
I ignore them.
I can't go to that recital.
I'm re-watching West Wing.
It's embarrassing how I consume television.
There are nights when I've told myself,
all right, one more season.
I'm going to bed.
I mean, come on.
It's hard to stop.
You see the ending.
You want the accomplishment, right?
Oh, you ran a 10K?
Yeah, I finished Mad Men.
I did it.
I'm a little sore, but I did it.
I'm a television athlete.
I'm a tele-athlete.
It's strange when you get done watching an entire series.
You don't know what to do with yourself.
You're like, I haven't been this lost since the ending of Lost.
Should I go to a bar?
I don't know if I remember how to talk to people.
And starting a new show, that's kind of like a blind date, right?
Well, my friend said you were great.
I'm free tonight, so.
I think I'm ready to put myself back out there.
Because we have relationships with these television shows.
You ever break up with a show?
You watch a bunch of episodes, and you're like, it's over.
I don't even know you anymore.
I gave up the best nights of my life.
Netflix, they won't let you forget your mistakes.
They keep them in your queue.
Remember this relationship?
I was drunk.
I was on the rebound.
Don't make suggestions.
Since you enjoy True Blood, here's some other gay shows.
Maybe I would like the L word.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Netflix has definitely made watching television with commercials kind of painful.
It takes forever.
You're like, what am I, growing my own food here?
All right, Geico, we get it!
And it's not just the length or the number of the commercials.
It's what the commercials say about the typical viewer of the show you're watching.
Catheter?
Catheter?
Reverse mortgage?
Back pain?
I do have back pain.
You know me so well, television show.
I watch a lot of cable news, because I enjoy being depressed.
That's the only reason to watch.
After five minutes, they just repeat the same stories.
Remember that horrible thing?
Wait till we show you 20 more times.
You won't be able to sleep.
I think it's interesting how all the cable newscasters are,
they're very attractive.
They're very attractive, and they're dressed up.
I don't know why.
You know, you're talking about a hurricane.
What's with the evening gown?
But we all kind of watch like, thanks for showing some leg.
Cable newscasters are so attractive, when they interview a regular person,
it's visually distracting.
You're like, is that a bad guy?
Or a victim?
I know they're a loser in this scenario.
But the newscast!
Newscasters, those are our town gossips, right?
And that's what newscasters are.
They're town gossips.
They're like, you're not going to believe what happened to this person you've never met before.
Isn't that sad?
By the way, there's some weird stuff going on in England.
I have a friend, John, over there.
John, why don't you tell him about it?
Thanks, John.
Isn't that horrible?
By the way, it's going to rain tomorrow.
I'm like 99% positive it's going to rain.
And that's sad.
That's sad.
Most of my friends under the age of 30 don't even have cable.
And I'm like, where do you send your $500 a month?
It's tend to be embarrassing to have cable, right?
You have cable?
I'm getting rid of it.
When I die.
I die.
Technology's moving so fast.
And there's times when you feel like you're on top of it.
And then there's times when you feel like that friend with the flip phone.
We all have the friend or relative with the flip phone.
You're like, where'd you get that?
Do you use that to call the past?
What character were you on Breaking Bad?
But there's definitely moments when I'm the person with the flip phone.
Like, I have a lamp.
I have a landline.
Some of you are like, what's a landline?
No one wants to admit they have a landline.
It's like discovering you're still paying for AOL.
Here's how I justify having a landline.
I'm like, well, I need a landline in case all the cell towers go out.
And then I could call no one.
No one.
Our landline will rain.
Our landline will rain.
My wife and I, we won't even move to answer it.
Well, it's obviously not for us.
No one we know has that number.
It's like paying a stranger 10 bucks a month to interrupt dinner.
By the way, I know nobody's phone number.
I don't even know my own wife's phone number.
If I was arrested and I was allowed one call, I'd be like, I don't know, 911?
911?
I do miss slamming down the landline when I was angry.
You know, like, you can go to hell.
You can't do that with a cell phone.
You can go to hell.
Don't want that to fall in the toilet.