Oh, I have a new belt
because my old belt looked like it was tortured
on Game of Thrones.
I don't know what happened to it.
I think it's because I don't like to give up
on the belt hole.
I'm like, we're still good.
My poor belt was like,
I could have been a watchman for David Beckham.
But a belt for a fat guy serves a different purpose.
A thin person wears a belt to hold up their pants.
These pants aren't going anywhere.
A fat guy just wears a belt as a distraction.
Distracting from the fact that this
is all the same surface.
It's just a mini equator
separating the northern hemisphere
from the southern blob.
And the wider the belt,
the greater the illusion.
That's just science.
That's why Santa Claus,
Santa's belt is like a conveyor belt.
It's not even holding up his pants.
It's keeping his jacket closed.
And we're leaving cookies out for that slob?
Of course, Santa wears suspenders under his coat.
Suspenders.
Suspenders are just the last stop for the fat guy.
Because eventually the gut gets so big,
the pants need to be suspended.
Like a bridge.
The belt no longer fits across the equator.
It must be buckled underneath.
Instead of holding up the pants,
it drags them down.
Because every action has an equal opposite reaction.
Forcing one to choose between suspenders,
or a lifetime of plumber jokes.
Sad.