My parents did notice, probably too late,
that I was both fat and sad.
So they were like, oh, let's sign her up for theater camp
with her original bully, her older sister, Angela.
So yeah, we were in the Honda Odyssey
on the way to audition for Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
Are we familiar?
Disney's Beauty and the tale as old as Stockholm Syndrome, right?
And my older sister, she's in the front seat.
She's doing these crazy vocal warm-ups.
She's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, you know,
because she has her heart set on playing Belle,
which didn't really suit her bitchy personality.
And I'm in the back seat, and I'm chewing gum
because it's 9 a.m., and I've already eaten my sack lunch.
You fat kids, you get it, you get it, okay.
And she just kind of turns back to me.
She's like, Jamie, you don't even stand a chance at being cast
because you're too fat.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I was really hurt by that
because I was like, I'm actually auditioning
for napkin number five, so.
I don't think it's possible to be too fat
to be a movable piece of fabric, okay?
And in that moment, I just started thinking about
when Scar pushes Mufasa off that cliff,
and that sounded real good to me,
but I was strapped in a Honda Odyssey, right?
I had to get resourceful.
And I did have gum in my mouth,
which I pushed into her scalp,
and that's my villain origin.
That's my villain origin story.
Thank you.
Gum in the hair before the Belle edition.
If you're upset, I don't know if you're gonna be more upset
when I tell you that while she screamed and cried,
I looked her in her eyes, and I said,
well, Angela, I guess you don't stand a chance
at playing Belle.
Because I'm pretty sure it's Beauty and the Beast,
not Beast and the Bald-Headed Bitch.