Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream

About me, about you, the way our American hearts beat

Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles

Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver

Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job

I'm your average white suburbanite slob

I like football and porno and books about war I've got an average house with a nic hardwood floor

My wife and my job, my kids and my car

My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just ain't enough

To keep a man like me interested

(Oh no)

No way

(Uh-uh) No, I've gotta go out and have fun

At someone else's expense

(Oh yeah)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane

While people behind me are going insane I'm an ***

(He's an ***, what an ***)

I'm an ***

(He's an ***, such an ***) I use public toilets and piss on the seat

I walk around in the summertime saying

"How about this heat?" I'm an ***

(He's an ***, what an ***)

I'm an ***

(He's the world's biggest ***) Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces

While handicapped people make handicapped faces I'm an ***

(He's an ***, what an ***)

I'm an ***

(He's a real *** ***) Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong Nah! I'm an ***

(He's an ***, what an ***)

I'm an ***

(He's the world's biggest ***) You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac, El Dorado convertible

Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior

And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah

And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph Getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder

Cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned

Non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers

And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag

And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side

And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it

You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why Two words, nuclear *** weapons, okay?

Russia, Germany, Romania

They can have all the democracy they want

They can have a big democracy cake walk

Right through the middle of Tienanmen square And it won't make a lick of difference

Because we've got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead

He's frozen and as soon as we find the cure for cancer

We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty ***

You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiple that by 15 million times

That's how *** the Duke's gonna be

I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes (Hey)

And Lee Marvin

(Hey)

And Sam Peckinpah

(Hey)

And a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas

(Hey, you know you really are an ***)

Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal I'm an ***

(He's an ***, what an ***)

I'm an ***

(He's the world's biggest ***) A S S H O L E, everybody

A S S H O L E Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum

Ooh, ooh I'm an *** and proud of it