I do love steak, but it is rather barbaric, right?
I mean, we're eating a part of a cow, and I love animals, and I love animal lovers.
My favorite are the people that carry around the dog in a bag.
Whenever I see that, I always think, what an adorable way to let us know you're crazy.
Because they're crazy.
They're carrying around an animal that can walk in a bag.
They're not going to the vet, they're shopping.
Shopping.
That's okay, but if I carry around a canned ham, I'm a weirdo.
It would be one thing if the dog looked happy, but the dog always has a look on his face like,
can you believe I'm sitting in a purse?
I was part of Mexican royalty.
But I get it, I love dogs, and I think it's cute when people dress their dogs up.
But how do you have your dog in a jacket and walk by a homeless person?
Sorry, I'd help, but I spent all my money.
I spent all my money on a coat for my animal that's born with a coat.
I love cats.
Some people don't like cats.
Our neighbor has a cat, and she lives in a studio apartment, or as I refer to it, a litter box.
One time she asked me, she was like, can you even tell I have a cat?
And I was like, no, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your apartment.
I'm not sure if that's the same question.
We all have the friend with the cat, right?
In the small place, you visit them, the cat does their business.
You don't really acknowledge it.
You just go on with the conversation.
What do you want on your pizza?
Bleach.
Febreze.
Can we open a window or knock down a wall?
Are my eyes bleeding?
How about we throw a diaper on the kitty?
But I get it, because I love animals.
I think being around animals, there's a healing quality.
But I get it.
But I also think we give animals too much credit.
Like a dog is man's best friend.
I've never seen a dog help someone move.
Yes, horses are graceful and elegant, until you see them poop standing up.
Dolphins are smart.
Learn English like Jesus did.
For the record, I would never eat a dolphin, because I don't like fish.
And I know I'll get tweets where people will say, dolphins are mammals.
And those are the people I block.
Because that's how I deal with criticism.