I gave up a lot of myself when I got married.
I'm a disgusting pervert.
I'm a pervert.
I'm a gross, filthy animal.
And I think it's because I started watching porn
at a very young age.
And what happens when you start watching porn
at a young age is that you get sicker
and sicker and sicker.
The images you crave get sicker and sicker and sicker.
But it's okay because the internet
will always catch up to you.
I broke up with my last boyfriend
because he refused to put it in the back.
I was like, uh, you're an idiot, dude.
Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist
and posted tiny Asian female seeking anal,
the internet would crash?
And all the Jewish male heads in the universe
would simultaneously explode.
They would explode.
A lot of women get really, you know,
freaked out about anal.
And they're like, oh, I don't want to do that.
I'm scared of the pain.
You ain't scared of the pain.
Women, they wax their eyebrows.
They do all sorts of crazy *.
You're not scared of the pain.




What you're really scared of is doo-doo on the dick.
You're scared that he's going to see that
and that's going to be all of your shame,
your inner evil, all your secrets and lies.
Sephora can't help you now.
But don't worry.
Because when he puts it in the butt,
all he's thinking about is,
I just put it in her butt.
I got to call my mom.
My dad.
Dave.
My grandma.
If you're married, you're going to have to do anal eventually.
Okay?
You have to.
Because you got to change it up.
You got to change it up so that you don't cheat on each other.
You got to keep it interesting.
If you put it in different holes,
maybe you'll feel like you're * different people.
I was very sexually active in my 20s.
And as a result, I'm a little bit...
Stretched out down there.
Okay?
So when I finally did anal,
I just felt like I got a second chance at life.
You know?
I was like, oh my God.
It's like I'm going back in time.
A whole new world.
It's magical.
Okay.