I'm tired. I'm always tired.
I know I come across as high energy.
I'm always tired.
And I'm married to a woman who never sleeps.
I don't know if anyone's with a non-sleeper.
But if you attempt to get rest with a non-sleeper,
you appear selfish.
Every night, I'm always like,
oh, you're going to bed?
It's 3 a.m.
Oh, I thought you loved me.
I do.
Is there something you need to tell me?
I'm tired!
I'm always tired.
People think I'm hungover.
They're like, your time went on last night?
No, there's just my body trying to stay alive.
I become one of those guys,
when I'm sitting in a chair
and I go to get out of the chair,
people around me are like,
I don't think he's going to be able to do it.
It's 50-50.
I have to make a plan.
Throw your head forward.
Wish for the best.
It affects what I wear.
I see people in lace-up boots,
and I'm like, never!
How much free time do you have?
What do you have, your own butler?
Eventually, my wife was like,
we should find out why you're so tired.
I'm like, I think it's you.
So she had me call her doctor,
who's really our pediatrician.
She's a great doctor.
She gave me this at-home sleep study,
so I slept one night with a mask on,
and I dropped it off at her office,
and she called a couple weeks later,
and she's like, Jim, we should talk through these results.
I'm like, sure.
She goes, well, first of all, you have to understand,
millions of people suffer from sleep apnea,
but you're just a lazy sack.
What a relief.
There's nothing wrong with me.
My body's just a lemon.
My fantasy is that when I die,
after I die, they'll discover
that I had Lyme disease the entire time.
Like the medical community will gather around
and be like, he's the most productive Lyme diseaser ever.
Everyone loves it.
Everyone loves a quality Lyme disease joke.
I think it's interesting how things that shouldn't be funny
end up being funny.
Like, my wife has a slight swallowing disorder.
It doesn't sound like it'll be funny,
and judging from some of your facial,
don't go there, Jim.
It's just a slight swallowing disorder,
and she has it because she had a brain tumor.
You guys are like, red flag number two.
It's just a slight,
just when she's like bread or pizza,
it sounds like she's choking, but she's not.
That's just how she gets it down.
It's not a big deal.
It's something we've gotten used to.
I try not to draw attention to it.
I mean, I am bringing it up in my show.
It's not a big deal until we go out to eat,
and then I look like the worst human on earth
because my wife's like,
and I'm like, this is good soup, huh?
The waiter's like, is she all right?
I'm surprised she had a brain tumor.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.











She probably looks like I'm trying to kill her.
I'm like, you got any of this stuff she can choke on?
I just bought her some of that life insurance stuff.