Some of the Italian actors make me laugh.
Al Pacino, I love Al Pacino.
Remember the movie, Scent of a Woman,
where he said, hoo-wah, after everything?
It's like a period at the end of the sentence.
Like, I got a dog on my leg.
Hoo-wah!
When I'm hungry, I eat broccoli.
Hoo-wah!
Hoo-wah doesn't mean anything.
It's a nonsensical phrase.
He might as well be out there going, na-na,
nanny boo-boo.
Because that's what Pacino does.
He takes little kid sayings,
turns them into tough guy
phrases, no matter what the situation is.
Someone come up to him,
say the mom's going to kick your ass.
Be like, you, sir, are a liar.
Liar, liar, your pants are on fire!
Na-na,
nanny fricking boo-boo.
I had a friend who worked with Al Pacino on a movie.
He told me that Al pays a guy to tell him when to eat.
How do you get so lost?
He pays a guy to tell him when to eat.
There's a guy who'd never need that.
And how did he get to that point, you know?
Was he walking around the set all day till people
finally decided to help him?
Pacino's lost, going, is it time yet?
No.
*!
I could have sworn it was.
How about now?
No, damn!
I got a rumble in my tummy,
and I don't know what it is.
He does this thing where he keeps dancing to,
what I call the Pacino waltz, where he's going,
one,
two,
three,
two,
two,
three,
three,
two,
three,
four,
two, three, and dip.
Here we go again.
He, uh,
I spend most of my times in Pacino movies trying
to figure out where he's looking,
because he's never looking at the other actors anymore.
It's like there's a fly on the stage in front of him.
That's the only thing you can pay attention to.
Someone's like, hey, Al, hold on.
Hold on.
See this fly in here?
This guy is good.
Did you see that movie, The Recruit?
You didn't even have to see the movie.
All you had to do was see the movie preview.
And Colin Farrell looks at him and says,
uh,
why'd you pick me?
Pacino looks him directly in the nipples and goes,
because you're agile.
You're agile.
Movies do flippy flops.
The areolas could get on the pommel horse
and get a perfect tag.
He yells for no reason in movies, too.
That's when I see somebody cast Al Pacino as a librarian,
just to see what he'd do,
you know,
running around,
where's the B section?
Shh.
Where is the B section?
Shh.
And what the hell
is the Dewey Decimal System?