I was at a bar, it was karaoke night,
and I saw this guy from across the room,
and at first I thought I knew him,
or maybe he thought he knew me,
and then I realized, oh, that's cruising.
We were cruising each other.
I didn't really even know that.
And as I was leaving the bar,
I walked past him, and he reached out,
and I thought that he was going to shake my hand.
And listen, not all gay guys are like this or not,
but this happened.
The guy reached out, and his hand landed on my fupa,
my fat upper pussy area.
And he gave a little ***, a little squeeze,
and I was like, oh, *.
And at first I was like, I felt bad,
because there was nothing for him to *** a hold of.
And then I was like, I was totally violated.
And I was like, oh, anyway.
So I grabbed his wrist, I just twisted it away.
I was like, don't touch me.
And then I left.
But here's what happened.
You know that after that moment, you feel violated.
You're like, think about all the things
that you wish you had done or said in that moment.
Like, what if I had decked him, you know?
Yeah, what if I had decked him?
Yeah.
What if I had really...
What if I had decked him?
This is the irony in my life today.
This is what I thought.
What if I had decked him?
Would we have...


Would we have both been arrested for a hate crime?
That was what went through my head.
And then I thought, like, I went even further in my head.
I was like, if I had been taken to jail,
like, what would happen and all that kind of stuff?
And I'll tell you something.
I never changed anything on my IDs,
my license, my birth certificate, my passport.
It all says female still on it.
And I did that for a number of reasons.
One, because if I ever get married to my girlfriend,
I would like it to be under equality marriage.
I think it would be cool to have two female IDs.
I think that would be cool.
And the other thing is,
just because I like to * with TSA.
And...
And the other reason is,
if I ever have to go to jail,
I'm going to the girl jail.
That's right.
Daddy's home.
Sometimes I wish that I could just take the conversation out of it
and, like, have a T-shirt that says something like,
has a vagina.
With a giant arrow down.
You know, I could sell them at shows, you know?
Make a little money.
I don't know.
Guys could buy them, too.
Like, everybody could buy them.
It could be for everybody.
Guys should just wear them backwards.
That's all.
So...
Everybody has a vagina.
Some are on the front.
Some are on the back.