The news is really scary.
It is.
And I'll tell you what, it's, I'm now at the point
where I can't even decide what the scariest genre of news is.
Every subset of news scares me.
Like the political, something terrifies me every day.
Like today, terrifying, like terrifying political news, right?
The economic, it's like everything I read is like,
this *'s not going to last.
The bubble's going to burst in a big way.
It's like so scary, right?
The environmental, nightmare, nightmare.
There's one genre that freaks me out more than the others.
I'm not saying it's the worst.
It would be weird to actually rank them.
I'm just saying on a personal level, it messes with me.
It's any time a 16-year-old boy flips out and does something violent.
That really does mess with me.
Because usually it turns out that these are like,
kids who got bullied in school, the outcast.
And I was a bullied kid in school, a little bit of an outcast, you know?
Which I'm sure is very shocking.
I'm sure a lot of you guys are like, nah, bullshit.
He's lying about this part.
This guy was the * prom king, I'm sure.
Really, you?
Your last name spells Gethard and you have that much forehead?
You got picked on?
I don't buy it.
That's true.
It happens.
That's why every time one of these incidents happens,
I feel, I wish I could *** these kids individually beforehand
and be like,
hey, I remember the feelings you're feeling.
I respect that you're feeling that way, but you gotta trust me.
I was once like you.
You're gonna grow out of this.
I promise you.
You are going to grow out of this.
I know that when you're a 16-year-old boy,
it might seem like a cool idea to just lash out.
But you know what else seems like a cool idea when you're a 16-year-old boy?
Having *** with a couch, just to see what happens.
And I know that that may sound like a fictional punchline
that I came up with for a joke.
Nope.
When I was a sophomore in high school,
my friend Darren comes up to me in homeroom and he's like,
dude, I did this thing last night.
It was the best.
I'm like, all right, what did you do, man?
He goes, well, I took two Ziploc bags.
I filled them with Vaseline.
I coated them in vegetable oil.
I put rubber bands around them.
I wrapped the whole thing in a towel.
I placed it in the cushions of my couch.
And I * it.
It was amazing.
You gotta try it.
And I was like, I don't gotta try it.
And...
I don't think...
You should ever bring this up again, man.
Like, never tell anyone this story ever again.
What are you even talking about, man?
And here's the only reason I bring it up tonight.
He's fine now.
Like I said, he grew out of it.
He's no longer a *-up 16-year-old boy.
He's doing great.
He has a great job.
He does motion graphics for ESPN.
So anytime you're watching a college basketball game
and you see a soccer player,
he's got a spinning logo on the screen,
that's my friend Darren who * a couch in 1996.
He's good to go.
He has a great life.
He's got two kids.
He's gotta have a new couch, right?
He has to.